To preface this whole post, while I was a child growing up, my mom emphasized over and over how important it was that I make it my priority to be independent, to have my own career that I was passionate about, and never rely completely on a man to support me (why she said all these things while being a full-time stay at home mom is a post for another day). On the other hand, my mom was big on showing her love through "acts of service:" we had a gourmet meal on the table every night, she did the laundry, the cleaning, drove us around, etc. As the oldest of her large brood of children, I was her right hand girl when it came to helping with all of these things. I have walked more colicky babies in the middle of the night, changed hundreds of diapers, made meals and cleaned them up, folded massive amounts of laundry, and did more baby sitting then someone my age and without children usually would have experience with. This is not a bad thing as it kept me grounded and taught me a lot of wonderful life skills as well as developed the nurturing, caring, and responsible side of my personality.
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| Our favorite cookies: Loaded Double Chocolate Chip |
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My photography is pretty sub-par,
the Sour Cream Coffee Cake? delish! |
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| Crock-pot white chili |
On the flip side, as an adult, not only am I pursuing a pretty busy career but I felt the need in the first few years of marriage to "show" my love to my husband by cooking him a grand meal every night, doing all the laundry, baking him all his favorite treats, and doing about 90% of the rest of the housework. While I simmered and stewed quite angrily about his lack of aid, I always placated my rebellious feelings towards this servitude by knowing I was concretely showing my love and Mr. Wonderful was actually quite good at expressing his appreciation of my efforts.
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| Mr. Wonderful showing appreciation. |
Fast forward past the first couple years and suddenly, he was taking all my "acts of love" more for granted (when you get a fresh coffee cake made for you as fast as you can eat it, its hard to appreciate it as much!) and as my career demands increased I was finding myself working 12+ hour days and then coming home to spend every minute of my evening at my "second shift" job. Needless to say this escalated the rebellious feelings and was affecting my ability to keep a smile on my face while I was performing these "acts of love." Finally, one day after Mr. Wonderful had gotten home at 4p and I got home at 8p (after having left the house several hours before he had as well) and finding that he had patiently waited for me to get home to start dinner my simmering boiled over. I had assumed that at some point, he would want to jump in on his own to perform some acts of love (ie make dinner) for his hard working wife. But after all, I had always allowed and even sometimes insisted that I would do it all (Type A personality: Not only will I do everything myself, I will do it my way and to perfection). So of course it was no one's fault of my own.
But luckily, Mr. Wonderful is a) wonderful and b) a quick learner and c) loves me very much. So after I first freaked out and threatened that there was no way I would have children with him if I was already completely stressed and maxed out taking care of 2.5 of us (we have an adorable puppy) we sat down and discussed bringing a little more parity into domestic tasks. As I both worked as hard as he did and brought home just as much money and enjoyed good meals and clean clothes to the same extent, there was going to have to be some more equal division of labor.
And guess what? So far, it has worked and life has returned to marital bliss if not much better then before! I have been careful to kindly just ask for more help and grit my teeth less. Mr. Wonderful has realized the value behind all the things I previously did for him and thus appreciates what I do more. Plus several nights a week there is dinner waiting for ME when I get home. And nights I cook, he cleans. Also, he is much quicker to jump up and do things unasked, now that he knows they are there to do. And of course as the terribly sexist but often true saying goes, "Happy wife, happy life," Mr. Wonderful has gotten many more perks ;) out of the arrangement as I am both a little less stressed, much happier, and much more likely to express my gratitude through "other" acts of love.
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Mr. Wonderful's dinner...he might be the winner.
Stuffed trout. |
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| Brussel sprouts and eggplant polenta |
Lessons learned:
-ask; most men aren't wired to track down housework on their own
-ask nicely
-be prepared for the task to be done differently then you might do it and be OK with that!
-I can and do show my love through other means then essentially being his domestic servant
-I am a lot happier, thus WE are a lot happier when he's helping
-while having a very clean house has been important to me, compromising my need for perfection in that arena is probably best for our long term happiness.
-being happy makes your marriage happier.
-sometimes it's a give and take; needs of each person in a relationship can be dynamic
-men can be terrible mind readers, sometimes you need to verbalize what you need
-have some respect both for yourself and for your man, you don't need to nor should expect to do all the housework and you should assume he's both willing and capable to help you out
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