Tuesday, December 15, 2015
10 Months: Long Days, Fast Months
I can't believe it's been so long since I posted last. I really should have been better because lord know I needed a place to vent but between wrapping up my PhD, moving, preparing for baby, and settling into a new job and new home things were just overwhelming! Now, as I wait for what I hope are the last few days before baby comes, its become a bit of a time of reflection.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Pregnancy books and weight gain
I got suckered into another "First Time Mom" pregnancy book today....the reviews were great! All of them raved that this book had insights that no other book had. So I bought it. And I read it in (no kidding!) 10 minutes!!!! I haven't ever had a baby before, but I could have written this book. I think the pregnancy book market is much like the wedding market and the baby market is similar. "They" all know that put either "wedding," "pregnancy," or "baby" in the subject and you can inflate the price and sell loads of them. Hhhmmm, this gives me a pretty good business idea for when I'm an unemployed scientist languishing in the northwoods. :)
But in other news, I am absolutely sick of reading pregnancy books that say you shouldn't gain any weight in the first trimester. Ok, I understand that rationally and objectively and scientifically, MAYBE you don't need to gain any weight in the first trimester. But are there really people who don't gain ANY weight at all? I mean my doctor had the nerve to tell me (after I said I was afraid I'd already gained...and not really afraid but actually aware of the fact that I had indeed gained more than the recommended weight for 1st trimester) that if I had, I sure hid it well. What?!?!? You didn't even know what I looked like prior to me walking in a few minutes earlier and us bonding over the fact that you got a very personal viewing of my nether regions. And then he continued to reassure me that he was sure I wasn't going to gain any weight and that he'd be ok with me only gaining 15lbs if the baby was healthy.
Now, excuse my rant for a moment. And let me explain his (incorrect) misconception. I was a bit of an extreme athlete prior to getting pregnant. I had raced bicycles professionally, I ran marathons, did crazy things like 100-mile mountain bike races, and generally spent my free-time (when not slaving away in the laboratory) very very active. Like 7-10miles of running/day active. But then I got pregnant. And my breasts hurt like crazy and got very big (like from "barely A" to a solid C). And I was exhausted and nauseous. Run 7-10 miles a day? Are you crazy? I could barely run 5-6 miles without feeling like death and trying to keep my heart rate at a normal baby-growing level. The salads I used to devour make me nauseous, in fact, oddly enough, any green cooked vegetable literally made me hurl. I settled on a few food groups: peanut butter sandwiches, peanut butter stuffed pretzels, cereal, oatmeal, apples. Yup, all I can say is thank goodness for horse-sized prenatal vitamins to cover my other glaringly lacking food groups. And can you see how weight gain might occur? Now the fact that I started on the leaner size does not mean that I haven't gained a lot and his whole assuming that I would be prioritizing not gaining weight was rather obnoxious. I wasn't an 18-year old girl worried about still fitting into my skinny jeans. I was a 30's year old woman who spent 18 months trying very hard to get pregnant who is still getting used to major changes in energy level, food palatability, and crazy hormone swings. And did I mention that having Mr. Wonderful working in the northwoods leaving me the big city alone does NOT help with keeping the crazy pregnant lady binges at bay? If he was here, it'd be much easier to exercise self-control (it's embarrassing to slurp down 3 bowls of cereal in a row with milk running down your chin if somebodies watching but when it's just you and your sweet little pup...well, no shame!). Anyways, the whole point of this rant, I want a "for real" pregnancy book that admits that in the first trimester you feel shitty so it's normal to over-eat a little bit and that maybe in the 2nd trimester when you apparently have your energy level back you can even it out then. "It's Really 10 Months" is a real good start though the focus is on the last trimester but at least those ladies make you feel like not conforming perfectly to all the objective advice and tips is ok and just plain normal. I think we need more books like that and less books making us feel ashamed for not being perfect baby incubators. :)
But in other news, I am absolutely sick of reading pregnancy books that say you shouldn't gain any weight in the first trimester. Ok, I understand that rationally and objectively and scientifically, MAYBE you don't need to gain any weight in the first trimester. But are there really people who don't gain ANY weight at all? I mean my doctor had the nerve to tell me (after I said I was afraid I'd already gained...and not really afraid but actually aware of the fact that I had indeed gained more than the recommended weight for 1st trimester) that if I had, I sure hid it well. What?!?!? You didn't even know what I looked like prior to me walking in a few minutes earlier and us bonding over the fact that you got a very personal viewing of my nether regions. And then he continued to reassure me that he was sure I wasn't going to gain any weight and that he'd be ok with me only gaining 15lbs if the baby was healthy.
Now, excuse my rant for a moment. And let me explain his (incorrect) misconception. I was a bit of an extreme athlete prior to getting pregnant. I had raced bicycles professionally, I ran marathons, did crazy things like 100-mile mountain bike races, and generally spent my free-time (when not slaving away in the laboratory) very very active. Like 7-10miles of running/day active. But then I got pregnant. And my breasts hurt like crazy and got very big (like from "barely A" to a solid C). And I was exhausted and nauseous. Run 7-10 miles a day? Are you crazy? I could barely run 5-6 miles without feeling like death and trying to keep my heart rate at a normal baby-growing level. The salads I used to devour make me nauseous, in fact, oddly enough, any green cooked vegetable literally made me hurl. I settled on a few food groups: peanut butter sandwiches, peanut butter stuffed pretzels, cereal, oatmeal, apples. Yup, all I can say is thank goodness for horse-sized prenatal vitamins to cover my other glaringly lacking food groups. And can you see how weight gain might occur? Now the fact that I started on the leaner size does not mean that I haven't gained a lot and his whole assuming that I would be prioritizing not gaining weight was rather obnoxious. I wasn't an 18-year old girl worried about still fitting into my skinny jeans. I was a 30's year old woman who spent 18 months trying very hard to get pregnant who is still getting used to major changes in energy level, food palatability, and crazy hormone swings. And did I mention that having Mr. Wonderful working in the northwoods leaving me the big city alone does NOT help with keeping the crazy pregnant lady binges at bay? If he was here, it'd be much easier to exercise self-control (it's embarrassing to slurp down 3 bowls of cereal in a row with milk running down your chin if somebodies watching but when it's just you and your sweet little pup...well, no shame!). Anyways, the whole point of this rant, I want a "for real" pregnancy book that admits that in the first trimester you feel shitty so it's normal to over-eat a little bit and that maybe in the 2nd trimester when you apparently have your energy level back you can even it out then. "It's Really 10 Months" is a real good start though the focus is on the last trimester but at least those ladies make you feel like not conforming perfectly to all the objective advice and tips is ok and just plain normal. I think we need more books like that and less books making us feel ashamed for not being perfect baby incubators. :)
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Early Pregnancy Woes
Being pregnant is fairly anti-climatic. You can't tell anyone (or at least I feel like I shouldn't...just in case) so it feels fairly unexciting and SLOW. You can't decide if you should eat more and exercise less (in my case, as a fairly intense athlete its been a tough decision with little literature to support it). And in my case, its even slightly dangerous. Today I had to try not to strangle a new graduate student who was pipetting Trisol pretty much on top of my desk and then my PI walked in and asked me to prep some formaldehyde-fixed tissue for the next day. Both chemicals that are quite dangerous especially for pregnant mothers!!! And then to top it off, there's been some hemming and hawing about my pending graduation date (end of March). Looks like I might be giving birth while giving my defense if somebody doesn't decide to hurry things up (and for all the 14+ hrs/day 6 days a week, it is not me!!!)! Though let me tell you those 14+ hr days have definitely taken a hit. Half the time I feel like I can hardly make it through an entire day, much less a 14 hr day. I've started to make serious efforts to limit myself to 12hr days. That seems fair and reasonable and healthy! The nice thing is, no morning sickness which is a blessing I'll be forever grateful for. I still have 2 weeks to go until my first pre-natal appointment. Despite the fact they think I'm about 9 weeks right now, they just didn't have any free appointments. It might be my first baby but apparently loads of people are pro-creating as well! I honestly think I might only be about 7 weeks but I just want to have that first confirmation that at least the initial growth is good and its a viable pregnancy. Right now every twinge sends me into a panic...it took us so long to get pregnant (>1yr of pretty robust trying!) that I am paranoid that I won't take it to term. I only have to get through 3-5weeks til I pass the first hurdle but that sure feels like forever especially when I'm sitting in a lab next to chemicals all day. And in other new, this will make me due sometime in August which is pretty much the worst time possible for either a) starting medical school or b) job hunting.
Edit (4 days later): so that whole no morning sickness thing??? Well, I'm probably still luckier than most but for the last week I've spent the morning pep talking myself and my stomach into work. Part of me is secretly glad that I have these symptoms but the other obviously feels sick and awful and tired and crappy. My thighs are getting big, my butt is getting big, and thank goodness my boobs are too! One small mercy at least ;)
Edit (another 4 days later): and now I feel great (well mostly) so I'm back to freaking out that something isn't right. Tomorrow is finally my first appointment and it will either be terrifically wonderful or horribly sad depending on whether the pregnancy is viable and doing well. I am terrified I won't here a heartbeat or that they'll tell me I'm anything earlier than 8 weeks (which would mean lack of development) because for sure I should be at least 9-11+ at this point. Lord, there is no making me happy!
And on top of it, I have lost my wallet (AGAIN!), the grocery store won't take a check with a passport and I have no idea if my doctor's office will take a passport on check-in. Should be an exciting day! :P
Edit (4 days later): so that whole no morning sickness thing??? Well, I'm probably still luckier than most but for the last week I've spent the morning pep talking myself and my stomach into work. Part of me is secretly glad that I have these symptoms but the other obviously feels sick and awful and tired and crappy. My thighs are getting big, my butt is getting big, and thank goodness my boobs are too! One small mercy at least ;)
Edit (another 4 days later): and now I feel great (well mostly) so I'm back to freaking out that something isn't right. Tomorrow is finally my first appointment and it will either be terrifically wonderful or horribly sad depending on whether the pregnancy is viable and doing well. I am terrified I won't here a heartbeat or that they'll tell me I'm anything earlier than 8 weeks (which would mean lack of development) because for sure I should be at least 9-11+ at this point. Lord, there is no making me happy!
And on top of it, I have lost my wallet (AGAIN!), the grocery store won't take a check with a passport and I have no idea if my doctor's office will take a passport on check-in. Should be an exciting day! :P
Monday, January 19, 2015
Telling the parents...
This past weekend we visited my folks and broke the news about our pregnancy! I was super nervous to tell anyone so early (we thought we were about ~8-9 weeks), but at the same time, being my first pregnancy I really really wanted to be able to ask my mom questions and advice as well as have her support if something did go awry. I googled announcement onesies and found some really cute ones but they were so expensive! So I decided, despite my lack of craftiness to do it myself. A few Gerber onesies and some iron-on transfer paper and some advice we were set!I knew my parents would be excited but I didn't realize how much so! I got to spend hours talking with my mom about some of my early pregnancy woes and she had so much terrific advice from hers. She also took me out shopping for a few baby outfits and some clothes for me to accommodate the new growth. My dad was thrilled as well already planning on how to set up their cabin to be baby friendly and offering all kinds of support from gear to housing to baby-sitting. I definitely enjoyed the excitement after having kept things secret for the last month!
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Bump In the Road (Literally)
In my mind, I envision that the minute the words left my lips, "it would literally be the worst time to get pregnant, but it sure would make all the decisions easier," my egg and Mr. Wonderful's sperm met in a cosmic collision of epic proportions with dramatic cinema music playing. I was saying this to my mom as I whispered to her about how bad I wanted to pursue a post-doc at Harvard and was feeling guilty about dragging Mr. Wonderful across the country away from the life we'd "planned on."
After a whole year of unsuccessfully TTC, I decided that we would take a break because no matter which career option I took, all of them would be difficult to pursue if I was popping a baby out 10 months later...again cue dramatic cinema music.
Two weeks of extremely sore breasts, general fatigue and laziness (attributed to winter), and insomnia, I took a pregnancy test in the middle of the night. I looked at it 2 seconds later, threw it in a drawer in disgust and fell into bed. I had played this game twice over the previous year, a few times we were just sure I was pregnant and every week I took a test which was negative until AF arrived and we were crushed. I refused to even suggest to Mr. Wonderful this time around that I was having suspicious thoughts about a poorly time squatter in my uterus until I had a positive test. The next morning after stumbling through my morning routine, I opened the drawer to rid myself of the evidence from my midnight test and was literally stunned to see a second pink line.
Breaking it to Mr. Wonderful? I told him I had one more Christmas present for him, which beautifully set him up to protest that I had gotten too many gifts for him already. I handed him the test. Tears and hugs were shared all around though I could see he was thinking the faint pink line was more like a "maybe" while I was very familiar with squinting every which way to make any mark appear on those damned tests and knew this was no maybe. So we picked up some "higher quality" tests later that day. I couldn't even wait til morning. I took it and got myself another pink line.
So here I am. Thrilled beyond belief. Not an ounce of me is bummed that about half my previously opened career paths are now shut. After TTC for a year and starting to believe I would fall into the UTC (unable to conceive) category, this was a gift that I would not regret.
Lord knows that its only through the anonymity of the Internet can I even announce a 5 week pregnancy and I am bitterly aware that sometime in the next 7 weeks there's a chance I could be secretly deleting this post but for now I am thrilled. Thrilled with the excruciatingly painful breasts, the terrible insomnia, and the shuttered life plans. It's going to be a very exciting 2015~!
After a whole year of unsuccessfully TTC, I decided that we would take a break because no matter which career option I took, all of them would be difficult to pursue if I was popping a baby out 10 months later...again cue dramatic cinema music.
Two weeks of extremely sore breasts, general fatigue and laziness (attributed to winter), and insomnia, I took a pregnancy test in the middle of the night. I looked at it 2 seconds later, threw it in a drawer in disgust and fell into bed. I had played this game twice over the previous year, a few times we were just sure I was pregnant and every week I took a test which was negative until AF arrived and we were crushed. I refused to even suggest to Mr. Wonderful this time around that I was having suspicious thoughts about a poorly time squatter in my uterus until I had a positive test. The next morning after stumbling through my morning routine, I opened the drawer to rid myself of the evidence from my midnight test and was literally stunned to see a second pink line.
Breaking it to Mr. Wonderful? I told him I had one more Christmas present for him, which beautifully set him up to protest that I had gotten too many gifts for him already. I handed him the test. Tears and hugs were shared all around though I could see he was thinking the faint pink line was more like a "maybe" while I was very familiar with squinting every which way to make any mark appear on those damned tests and knew this was no maybe. So we picked up some "higher quality" tests later that day. I couldn't even wait til morning. I took it and got myself another pink line.
So here I am. Thrilled beyond belief. Not an ounce of me is bummed that about half my previously opened career paths are now shut. After TTC for a year and starting to believe I would fall into the UTC (unable to conceive) category, this was a gift that I would not regret.
Lord knows that its only through the anonymity of the Internet can I even announce a 5 week pregnancy and I am bitterly aware that sometime in the next 7 weeks there's a chance I could be secretly deleting this post but for now I am thrilled. Thrilled with the excruciatingly painful breasts, the terrible insomnia, and the shuttered life plans. It's going to be a very exciting 2015~!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Amazing and Terrifying!
Quite related to the post about my dad, is this one: is it time to pull the trigger?
The next day when I got home from my folks, I was a bit of a wreck. Mr. Wonderful had been out with good friends and had been unreachable throughout the excitement and even when I did reach him, his jubilant mood brought on by sharing some spirits with good friends was not the strong serious rock of support that I desperately wanted at that moment. However, after cleaning myself into a frenzy and the point of exhaustion, Mr. Wonderful decided I was in need of some serious naptime. Which resulted in some emotional together time in which because of my particularly emotional state caused me to suggest we have a baby. I said something silly to the point that I wanted my dad to get to have at least one grandbaby and creating life in the face of death (or something like that) was so powerful. Mr. Wonderful said, "it's such a wonderful but such a terrifying prospect." And with that we agreed to start trying.
OMG! So today, in the light of the day, after a good night's sleep, and a stressful and demanding day at work, I wonder...what were we thinking?!?!?! Is this a good decision!?!?!? Should we ponder this more?!?!?!?! Aren't there a million more things that we want to do? To travel, to get our careers more settled, to save some money, to get to be able to buy the things we've held off for so long, to enjoy each other more? The stigma in my program over getting pregnant is not small. But part of me thinks it's ridiculous to let what other people think, dictate childbearing decisions. But still, is it a good time now? Is it better to wait? What are the consequences for waiting longer?
In all reality, it will take us a long time to get pregnant (fertility challenged is the category I fall in) and trying now doesn't mean we'll have a bouncing baby in 9months, but still like Mr. Wonderful said, "amazing and terrified!" just about sums up how I feel today. Is anyone ever mature enough or ready enough or at a good place in their live enough to have children????
The next day when I got home from my folks, I was a bit of a wreck. Mr. Wonderful had been out with good friends and had been unreachable throughout the excitement and even when I did reach him, his jubilant mood brought on by sharing some spirits with good friends was not the strong serious rock of support that I desperately wanted at that moment. However, after cleaning myself into a frenzy and the point of exhaustion, Mr. Wonderful decided I was in need of some serious naptime. Which resulted in some emotional together time in which because of my particularly emotional state caused me to suggest we have a baby. I said something silly to the point that I wanted my dad to get to have at least one grandbaby and creating life in the face of death (or something like that) was so powerful. Mr. Wonderful said, "it's such a wonderful but such a terrifying prospect." And with that we agreed to start trying.
OMG! So today, in the light of the day, after a good night's sleep, and a stressful and demanding day at work, I wonder...what were we thinking?!?!?! Is this a good decision!?!?!? Should we ponder this more?!?!?!?! Aren't there a million more things that we want to do? To travel, to get our careers more settled, to save some money, to get to be able to buy the things we've held off for so long, to enjoy each other more? The stigma in my program over getting pregnant is not small. But part of me thinks it's ridiculous to let what other people think, dictate childbearing decisions. But still, is it a good time now? Is it better to wait? What are the consequences for waiting longer?
In all reality, it will take us a long time to get pregnant (fertility challenged is the category I fall in) and trying now doesn't mean we'll have a bouncing baby in 9months, but still like Mr. Wonderful said, "amazing and terrified!" just about sums up how I feel today. Is anyone ever mature enough or ready enough or at a good place in their live enough to have children????
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
2014 Update
Well, its the end of 2014 and I'm doing the yearly update since I have failed to post anything in the last year. Mostly because it was a CRAZY year!
My dad had a mild heart attack at the very end of 2013 which prompted Mr. Wonderful and I to put some serious effort into TTC. Two "maybe's" and no other luck despite some pretty "hard" trying has made me a little depressed about the potential of not being fertile (as my Ob put it so kindly, "you aren't the most fertile bunny I've ever seen...")
I convinced my PI through many 14hr days to allow me to defend my thesis (in NeuroPhysiology) a year early (so pending March 2015 though this always changes depending on his mood). I've been loving research more and more each day and trying to figure out if a career in research with funding options so terrible and wanting to start a family is really a good fit for me.
I took the MCAT and applied to 19 medical schools. The farthest I've gotten is to be interviewed and then subsequently waitlisted at my top choice. Apparently a PhD and 5 years working as a paramedic doesn't make up for a majority of college years where bicycle racing was prioritized to academics.
Mr. Wonderful took a job 4 hours away in our dream location...dream that is for retirement. At least for me, it's actually the black hole of science so I'm struggling with what kind of work I'd be able to do if I don't get into medical school. Stay at home mom I don't think I could do. General Dollar Store is hiring managers...
So here I am, waiting to hear about medical school, I have an exiting potential for a post-doc at Harvard, I'm looking at more clinically based and slightly out-of-my-field post-doc options a bit closer to Mr. Wonderful, and then all kinds of fun options like quality control at cow supplement labs. ;) Can't complain to have all the options but tough to figure out the next step!
My dad had a mild heart attack at the very end of 2013 which prompted Mr. Wonderful and I to put some serious effort into TTC. Two "maybe's" and no other luck despite some pretty "hard" trying has made me a little depressed about the potential of not being fertile (as my Ob put it so kindly, "you aren't the most fertile bunny I've ever seen...")
I convinced my PI through many 14hr days to allow me to defend my thesis (in NeuroPhysiology) a year early (so pending March 2015 though this always changes depending on his mood). I've been loving research more and more each day and trying to figure out if a career in research with funding options so terrible and wanting to start a family is really a good fit for me.
I took the MCAT and applied to 19 medical schools. The farthest I've gotten is to be interviewed and then subsequently waitlisted at my top choice. Apparently a PhD and 5 years working as a paramedic doesn't make up for a majority of college years where bicycle racing was prioritized to academics.
Mr. Wonderful took a job 4 hours away in our dream location...dream that is for retirement. At least for me, it's actually the black hole of science so I'm struggling with what kind of work I'd be able to do if I don't get into medical school. Stay at home mom I don't think I could do. General Dollar Store is hiring managers...
So here I am, waiting to hear about medical school, I have an exiting potential for a post-doc at Harvard, I'm looking at more clinically based and slightly out-of-my-field post-doc options a bit closer to Mr. Wonderful, and then all kinds of fun options like quality control at cow supplement labs. ;) Can't complain to have all the options but tough to figure out the next step!
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