Love

I know its clique, it irritated me every time parents would get this faraway look in their eyes and say "you never know what love is until you have a kid." But as every parent can attest, its the truth.  When a picture of your kid or a goofy antic or their peals of giggles makes your breath catch and your heart hurt you know what they meant.  You are now living the clique.  And its more than the fact that they can make you deliriously happy at the drop of a hat, its also their little arms curled around your neck as they learn how great hugs are, or their attempts at kisses, or the way you rock them to sleep and they are curled up on you, just about to be too big to fit on your lap but never too big to fit on your lap.  Or the way your heart just melts in smolders when you hear about kids getting abused or  when they are unloved and try to fathom how anyone could allow that to happen to their kid.  Its when you realize what true evil must be and that it does exist.  Anytime someone chooses to hurt a child or allow them to exist without love.  That is evil.  I cannot be a pediatrician because I can not handle working with children and their parents because it would hurt too much sometimes.  I have long pondered what may differentiate those who love their kids so much it can be physically painful versus those who can cause physical or emotional pain to their child.  One thing that always really touches deep to my core is when I listen to Andrew Solomon who is one of my most favorite and probably one of the greatest authors of all times talk about his love for his family.  One of the things he says is that he just never expected to be a father, never expected to be a husband, never expected to have love like this.  And for me at least, that is probably part of why even when parenting is exhausting (and let me tell you as a parent, in medical school to boot, of a kid that thinks sleep is enemy #1, it is exhausting often), I am still gloriously, annoyingly in love with being a parent because I didn't think I would get this.  I never expected to find a man who made my heart skip a literal beat, I thought that was just for the fairytales.  My parents definitely weren't the model of happily ever after and realistically with a divorce rate of 50% and finding a good man being like being struck by lightening, I just didn't really expect it for myself.  And I knew I would have challenges getting pregnant so my life's plans in my mind never included all of that.  And then my life did go that route and the unexpected became possible and treasured because it is never taken for granted.  It always feels like a gift that might get taken away because who gets to be this happy?  And so, like Andrew Solomon, I am cautiously optimistic about the permanence of my happiness but it makes me revel in each and every moment, to appreciate the baby wisps of hair, the fleeting days of breastfeeding, the too short weekends and holidays, the grains of sand that pour too quickly through the clock of life.  Love.  It is what makes life rich beyond words, its what colors the days and makes them seem bright.  Thank you to DH and DLO for making my life richer beyond my greatest expectations.  Love.

Pre- and Post- Week 1 of M1

Pre:

I had one week off with little DLO and each day I rocked her to sleep for her naps and sat there an extra long time, smelling her (quickly fading) little baby smell, watching her breath, enjoying her pudgy little arms and hands wrapped around me.  I tried, tried, tried to enjoy each and every moment and just live in that moment.  I tried to enjoy every single crabby moment, diaper change, moment spent because I knew in just a week's time, DLO would be spending all those moments with our babysitter (who is amazing but isn't me).  But of course I was also freaking out trying to get ready for a pretty big life change so I wasn't as successful as I would have liked.  DH and I tried to do a few little things to celebrate and make special our last "care-free" days of summer.  

Post:

The world hasn't ended, I have still gotten to snuggle DLO quite a bit and they really rolled out the carpets for us in the first week of medical school.  I was kinda in love with it for the first week.  Lots to do but not overwhelming yet (I'm very nervously anticipating that).  I have a lot of classmates that look at me like I'm a 3-headed monster when I say I'm married with a kid.  I'm also 50% of the PhD's in my class.  I'm searching darn hard for some more non-trads...I know that my school in particular has a lot but most of the ones I met are "non-trad" because they took a gap year.  I envy them all their free-time and easy planning of get-togethers.  I most envy them their sleep (yes, little DLO still SUCKS at sleeping...next baby we definitely want one of the sleeping versions!!!).  But when I hold DLO, I feel bad for them.  I realize(d) after our white coat ceremony that for a great majority of my classmates, getting accepted to and starting medical school is the biggest most important thing that has happened to them.  They tell everyone, they put on FB, there parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles came to the ceremony, that is their new identity.  But I have gotten proposed to ("you want to spend the rest of your life with me? me? tears...).  I have gotten married.  I TTC for a very long time and then got the best Christmas present of my life (who knew a urine soaked stick with a plus on it would be what we always wanted under our tree?).  And then had the most glorious, terrific, awe-inspiring, life-alternating day when they put DLO in our arms; and each day with her only gets better.  Most people in my life don't know I'm in medical school.  I am actually slightly ashamed/embarrassed to be back in school AGAIN and with the added mommy guilt of "abandoning" my child to do it.  Going to medical school is a thing I do, it is not my identity (yet..I imagine this will change as it consumes more of life).  I don't hold it against any of my classmates, I do not feel superior.  Beyond just the time they have and the sleep they get, they get to look forward to all those other huge life events, they get to maybe be well established in their career track, financially stable, good hours, etc before they take the dive into parenthood.  I super envy them that.  I have ALL my training ahead with DLO #1 at home and a hopeful DLO #2 in the works.  But I digress.  From what I don't know.  I just don't know how to explain the ups and downs of the strange place I find myself.  Commuting to medical school.  Being a mommy in medical school.  Well anyway, back to work/studying.  Wish me luck, more to come!