I had one week off with little DLO and each day I rocked her to sleep for her naps and sat there an extra long time, smelling her (quickly fading) little baby smell, watching her breath, enjoying her pudgy little arms and hands wrapped around me. I tried, tried, tried to enjoy each and every moment and just live in that moment. I tried to enjoy every single crabby moment, diaper change, moment spent because I knew in just a week's time, DLO would be spending all those moments with our babysitter (who is amazing but isn't me). But of course I was also freaking out trying to get ready for a pretty big life change so I wasn't as successful as I would have liked. DH and I tried to do a few little things to celebrate and make special our last "care-free" days of summer.
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The world hasn't ended, I have still gotten to snuggle DLO quite a bit and they really rolled out the carpets for us in the first week of medical school. I was kinda in love with it for the first week. Lots to do but not overwhelming yet (I'm very nervously anticipating that). I have a lot of classmates that look at me like I'm a 3-headed monster when I say I'm married with a kid. I'm also 50% of the PhD's in my class. I'm searching darn hard for some more non-trads...I know that my school in particular has a lot but most of the ones I met are "non-trad" because they took a gap year. I envy them all their free-time and easy planning of get-togethers. I most envy them their sleep (yes, little DLO still SUCKS at sleeping...next baby we definitely want one of the sleeping versions!!!). But when I hold DLO, I feel bad for them. I realize(d) after our white coat ceremony that for a great majority of my classmates, getting accepted to and starting medical school is the biggest most important thing that has happened to them. They tell everyone, they put on FB, there parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles came to the ceremony, that is their new identity. But I have gotten proposed to ("you want to spend the rest of your life with me? me? tears...). I have gotten married. I TTC for a very long time and then got the best Christmas present of my life (who knew a urine soaked stick with a plus on it would be what we always wanted under our tree?). And then had the most glorious, terrific, awe-inspiring, life-alternating day when they put DLO in our arms; and each day with her only gets better. Most people in my life don't know I'm in medical school. I am actually slightly ashamed/embarrassed to be back in school AGAIN and with the added mommy guilt of "abandoning" my child to do it. Going to medical school is a thing I do, it is not my identity (yet..I imagine this will change as it consumes more of life). I don't hold it against any of my classmates, I do not feel superior. Beyond just the time they have and the sleep they get, they get to look forward to all those other huge life events, they get to maybe be well established in their career track, financially stable, good hours, etc before they take the dive into parenthood. I super envy them that. I have ALL my training ahead with DLO #1 at home and a hopeful DLO #2 in the works. But I digress. From what I don't know. I just don't know how to explain the ups and downs of the strange place I find myself. Commuting to medical school. Being a mommy in medical school. Well anyway, back to work/studying. Wish me luck, more to come!
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