Sleeplessness

I am probably one of the "most" un-traditional students in my med school class.  As in most of my peers just can't envision being as old as me and when they do, they envision it as a time when they'll be well into their chosen career.  In a rather large class, I am 1/2 of the mothers, 1/2 of the PhDs, and definitely in the top 5% of the age curve.  It really brought home how ancient some of my 22-year old classmates think I am when I was remarking that it was a bit "age-ist" to only provide the meningitis vaccination free to students 25 and under.  And to that, one said, "you should take it as a compliment that they assume you aren't making out with undergrads at frat parties."  Which, is I suppose true (though one should never assume things!).  It does always make me feel a lot better when I see many of my classmates posting pictures of themselves partying all weekend.  I often get frustrated by the small amount of time I am able to squeeze studying in on the weekends and always envision my single, unattached peers spending the days just killing it in the library all weekend but I just thank my lucky stars that they are getting the same lack of sleep I am.  Me, because I am up all night with a baby.  Them, because they're up all night partying and necking with undergrads.  That curve is real (and viscous) so I appreciate a slight leveling of the playing field!  Oh the competitiveness of medical school, apparently one is never too old to participate ;)

The M1 Summer Baby That Wasn't....

I know, I know...our lives are CRAZY!  But at the same time, the best thing in our lives is absolutely DLO and since I'm no spring chicken we decided that we'd aim for that narrow target of the summer between M1 and M2 for baby #2.  We had lots of fun trying, if a little sporadic thanks to the stress of medical school but as another single-lined pregnancy test stares me in the face, I realize our summer baby is likely not to be.  And I'm sad.  It takes a lot of gumption to make that commitment for another kid (especially during med school) and once you make it, you can't wait!  Or at least that's how I am.  I have that first initial panic attack, like "wait, are we sure we want to do this?!?!?!" and then I fall in love with the baby that I envision we're making.  But we had a very finite window since as you might previously recall I commute! to medical school and definitely can't have a baby when I'm on the road.  So we're back to not trying and I have one more week where its possible I could still test positive but my hopes are sinking and I'm having to come to peace with envisioning an entirely different M1 summer...one full of sleep, no diapers, and one-on-one time with DLO.  I think I could fall in love with that too but...well, guess I just hold out hope for another week at least. :)

Med School-Semester 1

While, I haven't written despite my intentions to blog about my journey through medical school.  I think its because I'm still adjusting and still trying to realign my self-identity and life.  Medical school as a mother who lives 2.5hrs north of school is TOUGH.  I won't go into why I am commuting but only that it is a necessity.  I do have friends that I can stay overnight with but it also means I have a huge daily struggle about staying overnight with them so as to not miss certain classes and missing out on seeing DLO.  Currently I drive down 2x a week and stay over one night which effectively gives me three days on campus and 2 off.  I can watch lectures on lecture capture which is way more efficient and effective for me but I do miss some medium group work.  After our first exam (which was the hardest exam I've ever taken...and I've taken a lot of hard tests!), I hit the panic button and told the family we were moving!  Dear husband took it pretty seriously as we both know that we can't afford (both time or money) to have me repeat a year.  But then exam grades were posted and I was sitting comfortably in the top third of the class so the panic has (sort of) subsided for now.  I do get pretty down over all the things I miss out on.  There are some clubs, leadership roles, special lectures, and social events with my classmates that I would have really enjoyed getting to participate in but with the distance its never worth it.  I just really make sure to focus on the amazing things I do have that aren't worth trading for any day at the beach with classmates or shadowing a surgeon (as much as I'd lover to!): my AMAZING husband, my DLO (who breaks my heart daily as I send her away to daycare so I can get my 10hrs of studying in), our good life, our families.  The list could go on.  Hopefully as time progresses I can write cheerier posts about the cool aspects of medical school cause right now I have pretty mixed feelings about whether this was the best life choice for myself and my family.  But anyway, I'm wasting super precious study time.  Until next time... :)