Parenting Equality

I was always the girl growing up who was determined that IF I did ever get married (and that was low on the priority list) that my marriage would be one of full equality.  Housework, breadwinning, child-rearing would all be a 50/50 split.  Fast-forward many years, a wonderful DH and our first DLO and things are not quite like I had "planned."  Don't get me wrong, DH is really as wonderful as wonderful can be, he cooks and cleans like a pro.  He took just as much paternity time off as I took maternity time.  But as our DLO has gotten older, her care has fallen more and more primarily on my shoulders and mostly my fault.  The problem is, I suffer from that terrible and unproductive "mommy guilt."  I am a working mother and thus feel like I am a terrible mother.  My own mother (and grandmother) were SAHM's so do little to assuage this guilt.  So when I rush home from work I dedicate every minute to my daughter.  Almost none to DH and most certainly not to myself.  I pat myself on the back when she prefers me, I revel in dinner time and bath time and tell myself that the gabillion times she wakes up at night just is extra time for me to make up for the time I am at work.  But as she nears her first birthday, several things are happening....1) I am SO worn out.  She is not a good sleeper.  Plus by devoting every non-working minute to her care means I feel tired and yucky and worn down.  2) My relationship with the wonderful DH has definitely taken a hit.  How could it not?  Our dating, courting, and fun together as a married couple has always revolved around bicycles.  Bike racing, long bike rides, hanging out and riding bikes with other "bike" people.  We both really stopped doing the bike thing but again as she nears her first birthday, DH is getting back in the swing of things but I feel like if I take the time to go on those bike rides, I am taking that time away from the little I have to spend with DLO.  I think we've gone on one date (we weren't huge "date" people to begin with) since she was born and even then I was torn by guilt being away and made DH feel bad about it too. 3) I am going to medical school this fall.  This has been a major source of distress in my life.  I will be commuting to a school 3hrs away because its only for 3 semesters (all clinical rotations are local) and it was silly to make DH quit his job for such a short period of time and our daycare is the greatest thing in the world and wasn't worth losing/leaving.  But that means I'll likely have to spend a few nights away from home.  Mother guilt, rear your ugly head. One of the things we're attempting is "easing" DLO from her mommy-only evening/night routine to a daddy involved one.  SO last night he tried to feed her dinner.  First I was super stressed, he really didn't have an idea of the consistency food had to be at this stage or what foods were best to give her; he didn't know the right amount or which ones to feed her and which ones to let her self-feed.  I was also devastated to lose my bonding time with her; her meal-time and bath-time are ways I can feel that I am providing for her as her mommy even when I work during the day.  So there I was, wanting parental equality, needing parental equality but devastated (actually crying) over losing the special moments with my daughter that I have always cherished.  In the end, I went in and "helped" aka took over because DH hates it when I micromanage and when I'm sad.  I really need to get over the mommy guilt and relish each moment I do have with DLO knowing that I will always be her mommy and she will love me just as much whether I am a working mommy or a SAHM; easy to say, hard to do.