The Conundrum of Medical School

As I reflect on the first semester of medical school gone by, I can in retrospect say that it was a good semester and that I'm glad I'm in medical school.  However, as the first week of the second semester begins I have already started semi-wishing I was not here.  There's an odd franticness to medical school material.  There is way more material than should normally be distributed to an individual to learn in the time allotment they gave us.  It is critical to figure out exactly how much you need to go through (because there are masses of additional readings that just sidetrack you from the material you need to know and would just cause consternation) and additionally critical to never fall behind.  At least, in my life, with the very few hours of study time available on evenings and weekends falling behind during the week would be catastrophic.  I also really miss my "free time." With my commute and my daughter, all my free time is used up in those two buckets with studying always being a bucket not as full as it should.  I miss my daily runs, getting to read books for leisure, and watching a movie every once in a while with DH. 
As I read some posts from residents about how stressful their lives are, it causes me to pause.  Part of me wants to rant against this crazy journey I have set out on.  I hate the commute, I hate the endless amounts of insane information, I hate the millions of hoops you just have to jump through.  I hate that this is a very long training path that stretches out into the far future.  But then I try look at it from a more objective perspective; no matter what path I choose, I would most likely be working and always frustrated about the time away from DLO.  In a lot of other jobs, I would hate the brain stagnation that would occur.  I will have the whole summer off this year, 4th year is just chock full of time off, and at some point I will have a career where I can help others, make a good paycheck, and hopefully be a good role model to my children.  See, that's what some sunshine and a rare run does for my mood, it brightens it and puts it into perspective.  While I am strapped into this ride and sometimes hate every minute, its hard to know if any other path would have been much different.  So on we go.  Grateful that one biochem exam is past (though still dreading getting me score), dreading the cumulative biochem exam in a few weeks but also looking forward to spring break and a while week with DLO.  We can do this!!!! Right?

Baby #2

It is a very striking difference, our discussion to try for baby #2.  With baby #1, we didn't really know what we were in for.  We didn't have a baby and it was to be our first.  It brought me to tears when we decided we were ready and we started TTC.  Not only did my most wonderful, amazing DH love me as his wife but loved me as the mother of his future children.  We had a bit of a challenge conceiving our first and everything about that pregnancy was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.  And today our DLO is the perfect joy in our lives.  Changing everything about everything but never have we been so happy.  Trying for #2 is a different thing all together, your lives have already changed so the question is, can we handle more craziness and stress?  For me, the added question, can I do this on top of medical school?  The problem is, the "best" time during medical school is the summer between M1 and M2, so we either aim for that our wait until M4 (and DLO would be almost 5 by then, an age gap we aren't thrilled with).  If we're successful this time I think our families will think we're nuts instead of being thrilled by grand-baby #1 (on both sides).  But heck, DH is on board, and I think I'm inboard (how in the world will I do no coffee in med school?).  So here we go!  We're going to TTC for 2 months to try to hit that sweet spot and then call it off until M4, so wish us luck?  We joke it's the "Russian roulette" of conception.  Here's to Baby #2, may you come if you're ready, we know we'll love you the world over just the way we do DLO #1.

Parenting Equality

I was always the girl growing up who was determined that IF I did ever get married (and that was low on the priority list) that my marriage would be one of full equality.  Housework, breadwinning, child-rearing would all be a 50/50 split.  Fast-forward many years, a wonderful DH and our first DLO and things are not quite like I had "planned."  Don't get me wrong, DH is really as wonderful as wonderful can be, he cooks and cleans like a pro.  He took just as much paternity time off as I took maternity time.  But as our DLO has gotten older, her care has fallen more and more primarily on my shoulders and mostly my fault.  The problem is, I suffer from that terrible and unproductive "mommy guilt."  I am a working mother and thus feel like I am a terrible mother.  My own mother (and grandmother) were SAHM's so do little to assuage this guilt.  So when I rush home from work I dedicate every minute to my daughter.  Almost none to DH and most certainly not to myself.  I pat myself on the back when she prefers me, I revel in dinner time and bath time and tell myself that the gabillion times she wakes up at night just is extra time for me to make up for the time I am at work.  But as she nears her first birthday, several things are happening....1) I am SO worn out.  She is not a good sleeper.  Plus by devoting every non-working minute to her care means I feel tired and yucky and worn down.  2) My relationship with the wonderful DH has definitely taken a hit.  How could it not?  Our dating, courting, and fun together as a married couple has always revolved around bicycles.  Bike racing, long bike rides, hanging out and riding bikes with other "bike" people.  We both really stopped doing the bike thing but again as she nears her first birthday, DH is getting back in the swing of things but I feel like if I take the time to go on those bike rides, I am taking that time away from the little I have to spend with DLO.  I think we've gone on one date (we weren't huge "date" people to begin with) since she was born and even then I was torn by guilt being away and made DH feel bad about it too. 3) I am going to medical school this fall.  This has been a major source of distress in my life.  I will be commuting to a school 3hrs away because its only for 3 semesters (all clinical rotations are local) and it was silly to make DH quit his job for such a short period of time and our daycare is the greatest thing in the world and wasn't worth losing/leaving.  But that means I'll likely have to spend a few nights away from home.  Mother guilt, rear your ugly head. One of the things we're attempting is "easing" DLO from her mommy-only evening/night routine to a daddy involved one.  SO last night he tried to feed her dinner.  First I was super stressed, he really didn't have an idea of the consistency food had to be at this stage or what foods were best to give her; he didn't know the right amount or which ones to feed her and which ones to let her self-feed.  I was also devastated to lose my bonding time with her; her meal-time and bath-time are ways I can feel that I am providing for her as her mommy even when I work during the day.  So there I was, wanting parental equality, needing parental equality but devastated (actually crying) over losing the special moments with my daughter that I have always cherished.  In the end, I went in and "helped" aka took over because DH hates it when I micromanage and when I'm sad.  I really need to get over the mommy guilt and relish each moment I do have with DLO knowing that I will always be her mommy and she will love me just as much whether I am a working mommy or a SAHM; easy to say, hard to do.

Fear of the Fall....

At this point, the point of no return on my decision-making process has arrived.  Work won't really let me change my mind since they need to hire someone to replace me and without a job, I really have nothing better to do than go to medical school.  But everynight as I lay there trying to get back to sleep after another cuddle session with DLO, I try to calm the panic attacks that tell me "you're making the wrong decision!"  I am giving up a very good job and going back to school in a city 3 hours away from my family.  While you do not have to be present for every part of medical school, there will still be nights I will be away from my family.  I'm not sure I'm ready for that.  I'm not sure I can handle that.  I struggle with wondering how much it will impact DLO or if its just me that it will worry.  DH is amazing with her and I'm sure they will be just fine but I NEVER had plans to be an absent mother (ok, it's only for the occasional night or two a week...but still) and despite ALL of the reasons on why this decision is good for our family, the "in-the-moment" emotions of it tell me it might be one big terrible mistake.
I hope I look back and read this in several years to find I've over-reacted and everything went swimmingly but as a rather Type-A personality (shock, I know!) I can't plan or control or even foresee the impact this decision will have.  Frankly I'm just scared.  So here we go...