Where's the thrill?

I wanted to write something lyrical and beautiful and fun to read.  I was reading the most wonderful blog that felt like reading poetry, the kind of blog that is a rare beast and most certainly not found in my own musings.  The kind of blog that makes you wish the author would pen hundreds of novels so on that rare vacation when you can read a book you are swept away and feel the soul healing sensation of a book that transports you and nurtures you and heals you.  I cannot actually tell you what kind of book or what subject these novels are, but I know they exist because I have read such books that make me tear up for their wonderfulness but also tear up when I finish them.  They are the books that I immediately go to Amazon and purchase so that in the even rarer case I have time to re-read a novel, they are waiting there like an old friend ready to welcome me back into their embrace.  Ah, the memories of childhood where there was so much time to sink into and get utterly lost in such books.  Now time is so precious that I get frustrated by the lack of quality books because lord help the author who wastes my precious time with inferior writing!  But I digress.  I have always wanted to write like that.  When I read something like that I am re-inspired to write anything, a love letter to my DH, the next great American novel, a fantastic blog post.  And so I try.  And then I realize that I fall more into the "inferior material" kind of author and I am sad.
That's how I feel about all my recent posts.  The one issue with medical school applications (and reapplications) is that it is YEARS worth of chasing after a singular dream. So all the fears and nerves and concerns just cycle back over and over.  Nothing is new, nothing changes, nothing is resolved because no forward movement has been made.  Now we are down to my last month before I am officially a M1.  I still worry about money, about having more children, about time to spend with my children and DH, about commuting to medical school, about passing medical school, about being a great doctor while most importantly being a great mother, about my marriage making it through the stress of medical school and all the challenges it brings.  See, inferior material.  Really I should just make every post about DD because even in noone else finds it soul-enriching, I most certainly do.  A more lucky mother you cannot find.  And that brings us full circle: I feel no thrill over starting medical school because I fear the challenges will most affect my child (and children to come) and this theme is all I can bring myself to blog about because it is all that is on my mind.

Piggies

Yup, on top of all the rest of the craziness in our lives, we decided to get piggies (what we call them to DLO).  We actually got some really nice Large Black pigs and are in the process of acquiring some Tamworths and actually breeding a few of them next winter.  We've done crazy things like build a "piggy house," made wallows, hauled loads of food (whoever said they eat 3-5% of their body weight is a liar...they eat more like 30-50% of their bw!) and water and generally just carry on as pig farmers.  That's on top of the big garden, 17 laying chickens, and our aspirations of a few dairy and beef cows.  I'm trying to remind myself, I will be a full-time, commuting medical student mommy in a few months but part of living way "up north" is enjoying getting to do things like be piggy farmers.  Pictures to follow....

Fear of the Fall....

At this point, the point of no return on my decision-making process has arrived.  Work won't really let me change my mind since they need to hire someone to replace me and without a job, I really have nothing better to do than go to medical school.  But everynight as I lay there trying to get back to sleep after another cuddle session with DLO, I try to calm the panic attacks that tell me "you're making the wrong decision!"  I am giving up a very good job and going back to school in a city 3 hours away from my family.  While you do not have to be present for every part of medical school, there will still be nights I will be away from my family.  I'm not sure I'm ready for that.  I'm not sure I can handle that.  I struggle with wondering how much it will impact DLO or if its just me that it will worry.  DH is amazing with her and I'm sure they will be just fine but I NEVER had plans to be an absent mother (ok, it's only for the occasional night or two a week...but still) and despite ALL of the reasons on why this decision is good for our family, the "in-the-moment" emotions of it tell me it might be one big terrible mistake.
I hope I look back and read this in several years to find I've over-reacted and everything went swimmingly but as a rather Type-A personality (shock, I know!) I can't plan or control or even foresee the impact this decision will have.  Frankly I'm just scared.  So here we go...

Babies in Medical School

My DH and I had our first daughter just a few months after I completed my PhD (no easy feat to finish while super pregnant and living alone as DH had moved ahead to new job).  At the time I was going on round 2 of medical school applications and in the meantime managed to land a full-time faculty position at a technical college.  I'm not sure if its inherent to technical school college that generally hires "experts in the field" (people who have decades of experience, ie as a RN, CNA, welder, etc) and then come and teach, but I found I was a super minority as a mother with a small child.  For example, I got THREE WEEKS of maternity leave, and they actually had the gall to call me after one week to get a firm date of my return.  I won't even go into the very dark thoughts I had, one week postpartum and staring down at my 1-week daughter...but I digress.  As things progressed over the next 6 months, I got accepted to multiple medical schools, continued to hate most aspects of my job more and more (minus the teaching part which somehow was a minor part, and my paycheck which was the nicest I had after spending the last 2 decades of my life in school), and started having thoughts about child #2.
The decision is "mostly" made that I will quit said current and hated job and start medical school in August.  But I am terrified by the leap into the unknown.  I won't have a paycheck, I won't be an "adult" anymore (I'll be a student again), I have no idea if I'll have tons or hardly any time to spend with my family, and we are even going with the crazy plan of having me "commute" 2hrs each way so DH can keep his paycheck and DLO (darling little one) can stay at her amazing daycare that took me three months, three tries, and millions of panic attacks to find.
So, am I crazy?  I want three more kids, but I also want to do well (enough) in medical school, and we're trying to keep our current home.  It all sounds crazy and unrealistic to me!
Part of me thinks that having more children in my current job would be just as hard if not harder than having them in medical school.  I only get 3 weeks paid maternity leave here and at least in medical school I'll have summer, winter, and spring breaks plus some open blocks for studying, interviewing, and vacation...a luxury not found in my current job.  I also think that while medical school is HARD, is it any harder than a very demanding, more than full-time job?  Or getting a biomedical PhD in 4 years (by working 60+ hours a week)?  Some people swear it is, others that it isn't.  It just kills me to not know for sure what it will be like.  It's tough to leave what is unknown, even if unliked for something that could potentially be even worse.  And at least financially, I know that will be the case.  There's is something comforting about being financially stable!  Eventually we'll get more than back there but those intervening years will be tough.
So if I could have my cake and eat it too and pregnancies went perfectly and I did super well in all my classes with the normal amount of effort: baby #2 between M1 and M2, baby #3 during M4, and baby #4 during the end of residency.  Yup, I'm crazy.  But I do know for sure that nothing is more important to me than family so one way or another, we'll have to make it work!

The Best Year Yet

As this year comes to an end it's always a good time to look back and ponder the year's events.  This year was a stunning year to say the least.  It seems like every year since DH and I got married has been crazier and more exciting then the last.  And this year has topped it all!!!

Major highlights of 2015:
-DH started new job 4 hours away leaving me to trudge through the first 7 months of our first pregnancy alone (we did see each other on weekends so only alone 5/7 of the time)
-defended my PhD!!!  That's right, I'm now the "wrong kind" of Dr. :)
-sold our house and moved to join my husband in a very (very) rural community
-started my first "real" job
-had a baby!!!!!
-got accepted to medical school
-purchased 80 acres to build on (attached to DH's parent's land)

So all in all, it's been quite the year.  As you might imagine, having a baby pretty much topped it.  We wanted a little one SUPER bad and had been trying for a while and were extremely thrilled when we found out we were pregnant on Christmas Day 2014.  Who knew being pregnant was FOREVER but it was worth every minute of it when we welcomed our daughter into the world (someday I'll post about my awesome drug-free water birth).  First three weeks, well, let's just say no one speaks of those first three weeks because you repress the memories.  But seriously every day with her is the most amazing imaginable.  DH is the most wonderful dad and supportive guy ever and has really chipped in to help since I only got 3 weeks (yes, you read that correctly and it was a darn shame and should have been a crime...) of maternity leave.  So with a combo of help from grandparents and a few "sick" days between DH and myself we've been able to keep her home.  All cliques about having children is true; hardest thing you'll ever do but worth every millisecond of the work.

New job, what can I say, I 90% hate it and for someone who makes their career a big part of their life, that's pretty miserable.  On top of it, it's VERY difficult to leave petite bebe to go to a job that you hate.  Mostly it's atmosphere and my bosses.  There's a lot of negativity, ripping down of people behind their backs and to their faces, millisecond priority shifts (which means a project you slaved on all week no longer matters and they're angry you're not already halfway done with their new "top project").  Getting accepted to medical school makes sticking it out worth it or I would have already been job hunting.  It also makes it easier to decide to go to medical school.  With a new baby and enjoying the new-found financial security of a real paycheck we weren't sure whether to stress our family out with me going back to school.  If I had had a job I enjoyed and a boss I could stand I probably would have just framed the acceptance letter and moved on (it bothers me that petite bebe will be 8+ years before I'm done with my training).

And finally, the day BEFORE I got accepted to medical school we had an accepted offer on 80acres of land that we've had our eye on for ages.  It borders land that has been in DH's family for several generations.  We've always wanted to live out in the country, have a place to raise a few animals, build mountain bike trails, etc.  The only issue is that it ties up a lot of our capitol without a place to live; so now we're looking at either building ourselves (can we say stressful!!!) or doing a pre-fab cabin/house (my favorite option though DH is currently resistant to the idea).

All in all, its been a fantastic year and the start of many new and exciting things to come!  For sure 2016 will be another exciting year!