Children and Graduate School

I've read hundreds of articles, books, and posts citing that graduate school is a terrific time to have children because you have flexibility and good benefits.  The thing is, I've only heard this opinion cited by people who never were in graduate school or are way past it and nostalgically think back to graduate school and with that beautiful thing called "short memory" think having kids at that point in their career would have been great.  It must fall under that, "there's never a good time" or "grass is greener" category of wishful thinking.  What I would really like is to hear that same sentiment expressed by a well-established and successful woman scientist who did actually have kids in graduate school.  As far as I can tell, science is a terrifically unfriendly career for mixing children.  My department is especially male dominated (we have ONE female professor) and while sure, the flexibility might be there (while I currently work 10-12hr days I think that I could probably get the flexibility if I had a reason) and the benefits are terrific, it seems like you'd be risking early career suicide.  I know for a fact that two current female graduate students (of course this ONLY applies to female graduate students as not surprisingly, any male who gets his wife pregnant is viewed quite positively) who did have kids during their training were instantly perceived as less serious, less dedicated, and less likely to be great scientists, despite the fact that one of them is indeed a very top notch PhD candidate.

And today those views/opinions were reaffirmed when I went to a Neuroscience student lunch.  It was a bunch of advanced female trainees and we all shared the horror stories from our respective departments about students and post-docs who had kids.  Unanimously it never worked out well unless you didn't really care about staying in academia..in that case the impact on your career was lessened quite significantly.  

But that puts me in quite a fix.  First off, it'd be "easier" relatively and with better benefits to start trying sooner or later...but then I better be damn sure I'm not interested in an academic career because that would almost certainly be the end of it.  Luckily I'm pretty certain I'll be going to medical school so I probably shouldn't be too worried, right? And wouldn't it be better now then during medical school?  Because for sure I'd like to avoid at least avoid third year of med school and 1st year of residency.  But as go round and round with this debate I always get mad that extrinsic factors like reputation are enough to impact my husband and my reproductive plans. And the fact that our reproductive decisions alone, not how hard I work, nor number of papers I publish, or impact of the work I do are enough to derail an academic science career.  

All I was missing was the swim...

This weekend was terrific because a) I didn't go into work (though I really should have!!!) b) I hardly thought about work at all until Sunday night c) we saw some great friends d) hung out with my sister e) didn't worry about cleaning f) are completely sunburned from yet another terrific weekend playing outside!!!

The only negative: we didn't sleep in even a bit this weekend.

On Saturday I did my second half-marathon.  And it is kind of weird that it's only my second.  I've been running rather compulsively since I "retired" from racing bicycles and yet I feared competing because I didn't want to burn out on running like I had in cycling.  And I burn out because I am a little over-competitive.  So the minute I start racing I have people I want to beat, times I want to beat, more and more races I want to do and things just spiral out of control.  So anyway, I signed up for it because I have a marathon in a few weeks and it is good to get pushed a little harder now and then to see how it goes.  And it was fun! But hard.  It was very hot this weekend and the course was hilly.  Plus they had 1000 starters and it was on a path so the first mile was just a huge jostle fest.  But Mr. Wonderful and a friend came to cheer me on and through frantic biking along the course were able to see my at nine different points and once I fell into a good pace with a small group, I had a great time joking and chatting with the suffering folks around me.  I was 2 minutes longer then my April time which was disappointing but probably not surprising considering how trashed my legs are from the current training.  Plus, I had a super bad flare up of upset stomach the rest of the day which I couldn't cure and ended up puking my delicious sushi dinner...very very sad (anyone else get sick after long runs?  Last year I was so sick after every long run that it was pure misery every day.  This year it's been better but flares up if I push it really hard...)

Sunday we got up early for a century bicycle ride and I almost didn't go...a combination of being sick the night before, the fact my legs were semi-trashed already, and the fact that I fear long group rides in the middle of nowhere as getting dropped means long hours alone trying to find your way home made it quite unappealing.  However, Mr. Wonderful dropped the "you know, Ironman competitors bike a century and then run a marathon..in the same day..." which was enough to get me packed and out the door.  And it turned out to be perfect!!! The best century I've done by far.  The route was beautiful though really hilly.  The group was composed of folks who were actually experienced bike riders who could keep it upright and keep the pace high, and we had a nice break in the middle at a lake.  And I will proudly boast that I was the only female AND I made the whole ride (we dropped about half the group..all men of course).  I had to keep my smile and my bursting pride in finishing the tough ride in check once we got back to the starting point because there were quite a few guys who had to get their wives to pick them up out on the course and drive them back to the starting point and I heard more then one ask their husbands "wait a minute, that girl did the whole ride???"  A fairly emasculating question for sure.  Ok, have a bragged enough???  After just being so scared and so worried the entire ride about completely bonking, cramping, or getting dropped it was hard not to be overjoyed to finish!!! :)

The night wrapped with burgers on the grill, a walk to DQ with the pup, and early bed since both of use are sun-drunk, burned to a crisp, and have throbbing legs.  I love summer and weekends like this!

Hhhmm I'm not sure I should admit that until I was ending the post, I neglected to mention that we also had a terrific night out with our best friends on Friday and my sister spend the day with me Saturday (after the race)...both events contributed to said terrific weekend!  And yes, hanging out with family and friends is even better then crushing a century. ;)

Getting rid of Mommy Guilt

So I'm not usually into the feminist stuff since I really believe that what you do in your house and life is your business and what I do in mine is, well mine.  And I never really got into the "mommy war" thing between stay-at-home moms and working moms.  All I know is that for a variety of reasons I will be a working mother.  First off, I think that if I work especially in a career I am passionate about, it makes me a more confident, interesting, and a nicer person.  And I think that not being home all day would allow me to give higher quality time to my future offspring instead of just quantity.  Then there's that whole second paycheck thing and all that..I could go on, but I'll spare you all.  But the funny thing is, I have been suffering this huge guilt trip over the idea that I would like to have kids but also have a career that I really invested in.  I have spent hours agonizing over my decisions to pursue such a career and how to potentially make it as family friendly as possible without curtailing my ability to accomplish what I hope to do with my eventual degrees.
I mean I know it's silly to worry about kids when I don't even have them, but I'm a planner and thus worry about future events probably more then I should.
Anyhow, I somehow stumbled on a book called The Feminine Mistake and whatever anyone thinks about it (and there have been a million positive and negative reviews/comments, etc) it was a generally nice "soothing" read in that it shifted my mindset and got rid of a lot of guilt.  Including most importantly numerous studies and statistics (which as a scientist meant I had to actually look up the primary source since I don't trust how studies are actually mis-summarized) that children of a two income family are not irrevocably ruined and likely to turn into serial killer.
So now I just need to remember the confidence I have in my decision when a maternity leave ends and I leave a tiny baby to go back to a job....hhhhmmm, guess we'll see how that goes!

Electrophysiology

Anyone else patch clamp?  I think there should be an extra gold star attached to anyone's diploma who does their dissertation primarily using electrophysiology.  It is the most nerve-wracking, tedious, and mind-numbing form of experimentation.  It seems to be nearly impossible to get all conditions (of which there are about 50) to be all correct, at the same time in order to get a good recording.  The experiments I do require an hour of stable recordings from one neuron.  Let's just say that in the past 11 days in a row of recording, I have yet to have a single full-length recording.  I've gotten frustratingly close, like 45 minutes and then the damn cell explodes or just gives up the ghost to spite me.  I literally will not graduate if some of these cells don't start cooperating.  Like if I don't have a certain number of these and the right kind of them, I will be here until the day that I do.
The funniest part is, my PI came in to try to help me trouble shoot today and it was immediately apparent that his patching skills are a bit rusty.  I think it might have been a bit painful for his male ego.  He left in a huff rather quickly spouting some nonsense about "off air currents" and "building vibrations" that he was sure was hindering his success.
And the best part (or worst part) is, I am the worst personality type for this.  I have a lot of excess energy and enjoy managing multiple things at once.  This requires sitting in a small, dark, isolated room and doing the same repetitive task over and over and over ad nauseum.  Plus I'm not actually getting any data therefore I am essentially wasting my time unless you consider this "good practice."  Does anyone else recognize this as the recipe for crazy (ie doing the same thing over and over without appreciable results)?  Yup.  I think that's actually what PhD training is about.  We don't start out crazy but we are by the time we're finally done.

The pretty GFP+ neurons I'm trying to patch.

My micropippete attached to a neuron.

The Return to Marital Bliss (aka: finding parity in domestic tasks)

To preface this whole post, while I was a child growing up, my mom emphasized over and over how important it was that I make it my priority to be independent, to have my own career that I was passionate about, and never rely completely on a man to support me (why she said all these things while being a full-time stay at home mom is a post for another day).  On the other hand, my mom was big on showing her love through "acts of service:" we had a gourmet meal on the table every night, she did the laundry, the cleaning, drove us around, etc.  As the oldest of her large brood of children, I was her right hand girl when it came to helping with all of these things.  I have walked more colicky babies in the middle of the night, changed hundreds of diapers, made meals and cleaned them up, folded massive amounts of laundry, and did more baby sitting then someone my age and without children usually would have experience with.  This is not a bad thing as it kept me grounded and taught me a lot of wonderful life skills as well as developed the nurturing, caring, and responsible side of my personality.

Our favorite cookies: Loaded Double Chocolate Chip

My photography is pretty sub-par,
the Sour Cream Coffee Cake? delish!

Crock-pot white chili

 On the flip side, as an adult, not only am I pursuing a pretty busy career but I felt the need in the first few years of marriage to "show" my love to my husband by cooking him a grand meal every night, doing all the laundry, baking him all his favorite treats, and doing about 90% of the rest of the housework.  While I simmered and stewed quite angrily about his lack of aid, I always placated my rebellious feelings towards this servitude by knowing I was concretely showing my love and Mr. Wonderful was actually quite good at expressing his appreciation of my efforts.

Mr. Wonderful showing appreciation.

 Fast forward past the first couple years and suddenly, he was taking all my "acts of love" more for granted (when you get a fresh coffee cake made for you as fast as you can eat it, its hard to appreciate it as much!) and as my career demands increased I was finding myself working 12+ hour days and then coming home to spend every minute of my evening at my "second shift" job.  Needless to say this escalated the rebellious feelings and was affecting my ability to keep a smile on my face while I was performing these "acts of love."  Finally, one day after Mr. Wonderful had gotten home at 4p and I got home at 8p (after having left the house several hours before he had as well) and finding that he had patiently waited for me to get home to start dinner my simmering boiled over.  I had assumed that at some point, he would want to jump in on his own to perform some acts of love (ie make dinner) for his hard working wife.  But after all, I had always allowed and even sometimes insisted that I would do it all (Type A personality: Not only will I do everything myself, I will do it my way and to perfection).  So of course it was no one's fault of my own.

But luckily, Mr. Wonderful is a) wonderful and b) a quick learner and c) loves me very much.  So after I first freaked out and threatened that there was no way I would have children with him if I was already completely stressed and maxed out taking care of 2.5 of us (we have an adorable puppy) we sat down and discussed bringing a little more parity into domestic tasks.  As I both worked as hard as he did and brought home just as much money and enjoyed good meals and clean clothes to the same extent, there was going to have to be some more equal division of labor.

And guess what?  So far, it has worked and life has returned to marital bliss if not much better then before!  I have been careful to kindly just ask for more help and grit my teeth less.  Mr. Wonderful has realized the value behind all the things I previously did for him and thus appreciates what I do more.  Plus several nights a week there is dinner waiting for ME when I get home.  And nights I cook, he cleans.  Also, he is much quicker to jump up and do things unasked, now that he knows they are there to do.  And of course as the terribly sexist but often true saying goes, "Happy wife, happy life," Mr. Wonderful has gotten many more perks ;) out of the arrangement as I am both a little less stressed, much happier, and much more likely to express my gratitude through "other" acts of love.

Mr. Wonderful's dinner...he might be the winner.
Stuffed trout.

Brussel sprouts and eggplant polenta

Lessons learned:
-ask; most men aren't wired to track down housework on their own
-ask nicely
-be prepared for the task to be done differently then you might do it and be OK with that!
-I can and do show my love through other means then essentially being his domestic servant
-I am a lot happier, thus WE are a lot happier when he's helping
-while having a very clean house has been important to me, compromising my need for perfection in that arena is probably best for our long term happiness.
-being happy makes your marriage happier.
-sometimes it's a give and take; needs of each person in a relationship can be dynamic
-men can be terrible mind readers, sometimes you need to verbalize what you need
-have some respect both for yourself and for your man, you don't need to nor should expect to do all the housework and you should assume he's both willing and capable to help you out

Current Reads

So I'm on a library kick...since my dissertation work is pretty much causing me to want to gouge my eyes out with micropippetes, I have taken to fiendishly reading every chance I get.  I should actually be studying for the MCAT which I take in the spring, but figure I only need 3 months so I can hold off a bit longer before I dive into those fun times.
But I digress...so I'm on this kick of medically themed books (surprise surprise...but seriously, I usually don't read much of this genre) and it's been quite enjoyable.
I first read Hot Lights, Cold Steel which is about an orthopedic surgeon's residency at the Mayo Clinic.   It was a really great read and quite interesting but I found it interesting that all the cases he talked about were the absolute worst cases you get.  After working in an ER and on an ambulance, I know that 98% of calls or patients are not very serious (ie we get a lot more sniffles, small lacs, broken bones then we do codes, strokes, MI's, etc).  But in this book, all the highlighted patients were super ill, usually very young, and for the most part didn't survive.  Are the cases orthopods see really all that depressing or are those just the ones that stuck with him?  Needless to say, it just seemed so hopeless and depressing that it was probably one of the first books I've read that made me question my career trajectory into medicine.  I mean, a ruptured artery causing the death of a young mother and her 40 week pregnant fetus?  A 18 year old girl with bone cancer who had to have her leg and half her pelvis removed and still died a year later?  A young boy who got is arm ripped out by some farm machinery and was DOA.  Seriously!  It was interesting but so depressing!  And honestly, I LOVED the ED!  I even loved the severe cases because more often then not they were people you could actually help in some manner.  And I guess the really severe cases like large brain tumors, strokes, etc we usually transferred to another department pretty quickly so we didn't have to watch the progression of symptoms, pain, and suffering.  Anyway, it was an interesting book and a quick read.
Currently, I am reading Michelle Au's This Won't Hurt a Bit.  She has a really interesting style of writing.  Since I just starting reading her blog I knew her style of writing and also some of her back history but it's a pretty interesting though brief take on medical school and residency.  I'm just getting into the part where she has kids and since that's a subject I'm quite interested in (ie having kids during medical training), I'm looking forward to continuing the read!
On deck: Necessary Dreams (Fels), House of God (Shem).

Hostess with the mostest

So funny story: this weekend Mr. Wonderful and I decided to finally stay home and relax.  We've been going out to our folks cabins most weekends these past few months to take advantage of the summer while it's here (my summer didn't start until mid-July so really it hasn't been so many weekends).  But of course, somehow a million things got planned and I for one am slightly exasperated to be so overly stretched again!

But as someone famous (I have no idea who, I just know it's not an original idea of mine) said something to the effect "it's good to be busy, it means you're alive and have friends" I am trying to keep that in mind going into the weekend.

First off, my sister called last week and announced she and her dog were coming to visit because "she missed me."  Now the fact is, she is actually using my house as a convenient place to crash and store her dog so she can party with her friends in town.  And just recently she asked if her friend could stay over too (I saw that one coming..) but luckily she is a blast and it'll be good to see her, even if I end up being a DD before the night is over (I am lacking the social/party gene that most of my siblings have, I feel really terrible the next day if I have more then one drink and sitting at a bar is probably the least fun activity I could come up with!).

Even more fun then that is hanging out with our best couple friend on Friday and doing a casual cook-out then heading over to a new local beer garden for some live music.

And then of course since our weekends are never complete without some ridiculous athletic endeavor, I am doing a half-marathon on Saturday morning and Mr. Wonderful and I are going to do a century bicycle ride on Sunday.  Should be fun!

We're also "babysitting" a guinea pig for the weekend...I know, I know...not a real difficult chore.  And since we're doing it for a friend of mine who will be in isolation post-chemo I can say with all assurance, I'd rather be busy all weekend then be in her shoes!  She assured me that she would be very NOT busy all weekend.

On top of that we have to do a bunch of chores around the house that we've been putting off.  Get our mountain bikes fixed.  Get to the library.  Go in to work a few hours.  Fix some shingles on the roof that loosened up during a big storm we had this week.  And all that extra crap.

.