Depressed

I don't really know if its depression but I think it is. I have lashed out (in a pretty minor way) at my darling husband, a man I have literally never said a bad word to in the 10yrs we've  known each other.  I cry when I read something sad. I have to stop going on FB because I'm now part of some physician mothers group and the constant stream of stories of not being able to have the life they want, having to miss out on really important family events/moments, not being able to control one's life, always being judged/on a pedestal, always being witness to some of the greater horrors that can occur in our society (child abuse, death, life-altering diagnoses) and all without a lot of support.  You are the captain at the helm, you can't show weakness, you are the leader and the buck stops with you.  As a medical student it seems even worse.  I am at the mercy of the attendings and residents I am working with.  If they need to pee, drink, eat, have a moment they send me off to do something or put me with another person to continue on working.  I hardly ever know where the bathroom is, my food/drink are always too far to access.  I never know if I'm going to get a break in 10mins or 10hrs.  I have to learn to meet the expectations of all of these individuals within the first day I meet them and I work with new people every couple days or weeks.  I am expected to know a million details about every specialists' area of medicine.  I am expected to always know everything about each patient on the service.  I am expected to additionally be studying for shelves and OSCEs.  On top of it, I'm a mother and a wife.  I have the expectation to be a great mother, a great wife, try to do some cleaning, be in a good mood, put up with hardly ever sleep, rarely get a minute to myself, most definitely don't get to do any self-care.  And you know what, when I write it all out, its actually astounding that things have been going so well.  But I have a lot of anxiety and stress that I'll ruin my marriage before I'm done with this.  I have a lot of anxiety and stress that I don't keep my mood positive enough, am not patient enough, or have enough time to engage with my beautiful two daughters.  And on top of that all, there isn't really a light at the end of the tunnel.  Residency is just another 3-5yrs of not being in control of my life.  Maybe its a little better because I will be able to pee when I want, get food and drink on my own volition but I will then actually be responsible for the care of my patients in a very real way and be responsible when things don't go well.  I won't be able to take short cuts or skip studying some nights because it would mean the difference between caring for a patient well or not.  I think another source of anxiety is deciding what I want to be...its like I am at the fork and how can I measure the amount of stress that will be involved in any of the specialities?  WIll the stress actually be different depending on which specialty I go into?  If I pick what seems like an "easier" one, will I just be depressed because I don't love what I'm doing?  Or will I be more depressed when I am gone more or have a more stressful job and continue to neglect both my own well-being and that of my family?  And can I add more to the "reasons to be depressed"  list?  I really would like to have another child or two; my family is very important to me and the joy I get out hanging out with my family and reveling in the days I spend with her is super important.  But is it pure stupidity to even consider having a child in the next couple years?  If we had a baby 4th year it would mean sleepless nights and pumping during intern year which just seems like creating such a stressful environment around what will already be stressful plus knowing I wouldn't have a lot of control over my schedule or how much I would be home for a little baby who really needs some extra mom time in those early months.  THe only pro would I would have some extra time home with baby before intern year started.  But I HATE that this career path does get to dictate when I have babies.  I want to have a job where I can just decide that I want to have another baby in 2 years and have it be no big deal.  I want to be able to have a 3mo maternity leave and not have it be a big deal.  So then, do I wait until right after intern year?  Obviously that would be more reasonable, I would have had time to get comfortable with my environment, my work load, my environment.  But then for sure I would only get 6weeks home at the most. And then, if I did a 5yr residency and wanted a 4th baby, what would be the attitude if I got pregnant a second time during residency?  Whereas if I did a 3yr residency I could have a baby as an attending..not sure that makes it much better timing in all reality to be new in a job and having another baby.  Good lord, who knew that when I started on this path it would be this way!  I think I always mocked medical students and physicians who acted like they had the hardest job in the world but now I can see a little where some of that attitude comes from, there are very few jobs were you have so little control for so many years over your life.  How so many other things have to take a backseat to medicine.  How you are constantly under extreme pressure all the time and can never do everything right...they always make sure you always feel right on the edge of failure or always feel like you need to work even harder to meet expectations.  I'm tired right now.  I am hopeful that with just 2 weeks of vacation at Christmas time I can buck this but I think the depression is just so deep set right now because the future just seems full of uncontrollability of lack of ever being able to do me without feeling like I'm neglecting everyone else.  Having to slowly get used to the idea that I will never get to be the reliable parent who can show up for everything like Kyle can.  That the girls will always have to hear that "mommy is busy at work" whenever they want me somewhere.  That if they are sick, they have to be headed to the ED for me to be able to ditch work and stay home with them.  I'm not sure how easy it is to reconcile all the things I can tell myself that "I'm a good female role model" "I'll be able to help provide them good opportunities in life" "I will have an interesting exciting career that I can share with them"  I'm not sure that's enough.  I'm not sure if I can be content with that.  When I consider surgery and how much I would love to go that route, I can always find a female mentor with kids who tell me its doable and not that bad...but then I wonder, what kind of mom are they? Are they the kind of mom I am where I think time with my kid is so amazing?  Where my vacation days, time off are days that I rush home to spend with them and not days I still send them to daycare so I can have time for me-cause there are a lot of moms like that and that's just not me.  Oh yeah, that's another current depression causing stress...I love surgery.  I think its a good fit for me.  But can I pick that as a specialty and not be like my dad?  Getting to have the career I love but neglecting my family as the trade-off?  Can you really have both? I'm not sure I've seen that.  Its easy to be like, its just like working any other job, but its not really.  Very few other jobs hold you so hostage...you can't just run off when you are in the middle of surgery.  You can't half-ass it when you have a big surgery the next day.  You can't just play hooky when you have a day of patients or cases the next day.  What have I signed myself up for?  I hope I look back at this and laugh.  But I'm not sure there's a lot to laugh about right now.