Pre- and Post- Week 1 of M1

Pre:

I had one week off with little DLO and each day I rocked her to sleep for her naps and sat there an extra long time, smelling her (quickly fading) little baby smell, watching her breath, enjoying her pudgy little arms and hands wrapped around me.  I tried, tried, tried to enjoy each and every moment and just live in that moment.  I tried to enjoy every single crabby moment, diaper change, moment spent because I knew in just a week's time, DLO would be spending all those moments with our babysitter (who is amazing but isn't me).  But of course I was also freaking out trying to get ready for a pretty big life change so I wasn't as successful as I would have liked.  DH and I tried to do a few little things to celebrate and make special our last "care-free" days of summer.  

Post:

The world hasn't ended, I have still gotten to snuggle DLO quite a bit and they really rolled out the carpets for us in the first week of medical school.  I was kinda in love with it for the first week.  Lots to do but not overwhelming yet (I'm very nervously anticipating that).  I have a lot of classmates that look at me like I'm a 3-headed monster when I say I'm married with a kid.  I'm also 50% of the PhD's in my class.  I'm searching darn hard for some more non-trads...I know that my school in particular has a lot but most of the ones I met are "non-trad" because they took a gap year.  I envy them all their free-time and easy planning of get-togethers.  I most envy them their sleep (yes, little DLO still SUCKS at sleeping...next baby we definitely want one of the sleeping versions!!!).  But when I hold DLO, I feel bad for them.  I realize(d) after our white coat ceremony that for a great majority of my classmates, getting accepted to and starting medical school is the biggest most important thing that has happened to them.  They tell everyone, they put on FB, there parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles came to the ceremony, that is their new identity.  But I have gotten proposed to ("you want to spend the rest of your life with me? me? tears...).  I have gotten married.  I TTC for a very long time and then got the best Christmas present of my life (who knew a urine soaked stick with a plus on it would be what we always wanted under our tree?).  And then had the most glorious, terrific, awe-inspiring, life-alternating day when they put DLO in our arms; and each day with her only gets better.  Most people in my life don't know I'm in medical school.  I am actually slightly ashamed/embarrassed to be back in school AGAIN and with the added mommy guilt of "abandoning" my child to do it.  Going to medical school is a thing I do, it is not my identity (yet..I imagine this will change as it consumes more of life).  I don't hold it against any of my classmates, I do not feel superior.  Beyond just the time they have and the sleep they get, they get to look forward to all those other huge life events, they get to maybe be well established in their career track, financially stable, good hours, etc before they take the dive into parenthood.  I super envy them that.  I have ALL my training ahead with DLO #1 at home and a hopeful DLO #2 in the works.  But I digress.  From what I don't know.  I just don't know how to explain the ups and downs of the strange place I find myself.  Commuting to medical school.  Being a mommy in medical school.  Well anyway, back to work/studying.  Wish me luck, more to come!

The Rock and the Tree

In the Lamar Valley of Yellowstone, there is an area where if you look around every tree is is paired up with a very large rock.  And when I mean paired, I mean as snug as you can get.  In fact, DH said it looked like the rocks rolled down a hill and stopped when they crashed into a tree.  If you look very carefully, you will in fact not find a single tree that is not with a rock.  The rest of the vegetation is just sage bush and grass.  My theory (of which I did no investigatory research): when a seed fell in this inhospitable environment, the hot sun and the cold nights killed anything more fragile than a sage bush.  But if a seed fell by a rock, it was shaded from the intense light and heat, at night the rock which had absorbed sun all day released that heat back into the ground.  Rain fell and streamed off the rock onto the small seed and it grew into a massive tree that surrounded an edge of the rock.  Now the rock enjoys the shade of the tree, the companionship of the animals that live in its branches, the sound of the rustling leaves and swaying branches in the wind.   It is one of the first things to feel the spring frost as the tree pulls the sun's rays and warmth down into its roots that hug the rock.  This pair makes me think of the elements that makes us strong.  Sometimes we need to be like a rock: unbending, tough, solid, a place for someone to lean on, a shelter for a small seed, a place where light and warmth are absorbed and released back to others.  But also like a tree, growing, providing shade and shelter, yielding when it is right to do so, sometimes fragile but other times so strong, connected to others, able to ask for and lean on another when its necessary.  A good relationship is composed of these elements too.  Each person has some wood and some rock and together they are strong and complete providing for the other as needed.
If you ever get a chance to visit the Lamar Valley, you should look for these tree/rocks.  It is a striking composition and really touched me deeply as I go into my last week before I start school.  I am trying to shed my fears, anxieties, and doubts.  I am trying to channel the rock and the tree.  Trying to be the rock and the tree for my family.  And for myself.

Baby #2

It is a very striking difference, our discussion to try for baby #2.  With baby #1, we didn't really know what we were in for.  We didn't have a baby and it was to be our first.  It brought me to tears when we decided we were ready and we started TTC.  Not only did my most wonderful, amazing DH love me as his wife but loved me as the mother of his future children.  We had a bit of a challenge conceiving our first and everything about that pregnancy was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.  And today our DLO is the perfect joy in our lives.  Changing everything about everything but never have we been so happy.  Trying for #2 is a different thing all together, your lives have already changed so the question is, can we handle more craziness and stress?  For me, the added question, can I do this on top of medical school?  The problem is, the "best" time during medical school is the summer between M1 and M2, so we either aim for that our wait until M4 (and DLO would be almost 5 by then, an age gap we aren't thrilled with).  If we're successful this time I think our families will think we're nuts instead of being thrilled by grand-baby #1 (on both sides).  But heck, DH is on board, and I think I'm inboard (how in the world will I do no coffee in med school?).  So here we go!  We're going to TTC for 2 months to try to hit that sweet spot and then call it off until M4, so wish us luck?  We joke it's the "Russian roulette" of conception.  Here's to Baby #2, may you come if you're ready, we know we'll love you the world over just the way we do DLO #1.