Love

I know its clique, it irritated me every time parents would get this faraway look in their eyes and say "you never know what love is until you have a kid." But as every parent can attest, its the truth.  When a picture of your kid or a goofy antic or their peals of giggles makes your breath catch and your heart hurt you know what they meant.  You are now living the clique.  And its more than the fact that they can make you deliriously happy at the drop of a hat, its also their little arms curled around your neck as they learn how great hugs are, or their attempts at kisses, or the way you rock them to sleep and they are curled up on you, just about to be too big to fit on your lap but never too big to fit on your lap.  Or the way your heart just melts in smolders when you hear about kids getting abused or  when they are unloved and try to fathom how anyone could allow that to happen to their kid.  Its when you realize what true evil must be and that it does exist.  Anytime someone chooses to hurt a child or allow them to exist without love.  That is evil.  I cannot be a pediatrician because I can not handle working with children and their parents because it would hurt too much sometimes.  I have long pondered what may differentiate those who love their kids so much it can be physically painful versus those who can cause physical or emotional pain to their child.  One thing that always really touches deep to my core is when I listen to Andrew Solomon who is one of my most favorite and probably one of the greatest authors of all times talk about his love for his family.  One of the things he says is that he just never expected to be a father, never expected to be a husband, never expected to have love like this.  And for me at least, that is probably part of why even when parenting is exhausting (and let me tell you as a parent, in medical school to boot, of a kid that thinks sleep is enemy #1, it is exhausting often), I am still gloriously, annoyingly in love with being a parent because I didn't think I would get this.  I never expected to find a man who made my heart skip a literal beat, I thought that was just for the fairytales.  My parents definitely weren't the model of happily ever after and realistically with a divorce rate of 50% and finding a good man being like being struck by lightening, I just didn't really expect it for myself.  And I knew I would have challenges getting pregnant so my life's plans in my mind never included all of that.  And then my life did go that route and the unexpected became possible and treasured because it is never taken for granted.  It always feels like a gift that might get taken away because who gets to be this happy?  And so, like Andrew Solomon, I am cautiously optimistic about the permanence of my happiness but it makes me revel in each and every moment, to appreciate the baby wisps of hair, the fleeting days of breastfeeding, the too short weekends and holidays, the grains of sand that pour too quickly through the clock of life.  Love.  It is what makes life rich beyond words, its what colors the days and makes them seem bright.  Thank you to DH and DLO for making my life richer beyond my greatest expectations.  Love.

The Conundrum of Medical School

As I reflect on the first semester of medical school gone by, I can in retrospect say that it was a good semester and that I'm glad I'm in medical school.  However, as the first week of the second semester begins I have already started semi-wishing I was not here.  There's an odd franticness to medical school material.  There is way more material than should normally be distributed to an individual to learn in the time allotment they gave us.  It is critical to figure out exactly how much you need to go through (because there are masses of additional readings that just sidetrack you from the material you need to know and would just cause consternation) and additionally critical to never fall behind.  At least, in my life, with the very few hours of study time available on evenings and weekends falling behind during the week would be catastrophic.  I also really miss my "free time." With my commute and my daughter, all my free time is used up in those two buckets with studying always being a bucket not as full as it should.  I miss my daily runs, getting to read books for leisure, and watching a movie every once in a while with DH. 
As I read some posts from residents about how stressful their lives are, it causes me to pause.  Part of me wants to rant against this crazy journey I have set out on.  I hate the commute, I hate the endless amounts of insane information, I hate the millions of hoops you just have to jump through.  I hate that this is a very long training path that stretches out into the far future.  But then I try look at it from a more objective perspective; no matter what path I choose, I would most likely be working and always frustrated about the time away from DLO.  In a lot of other jobs, I would hate the brain stagnation that would occur.  I will have the whole summer off this year, 4th year is just chock full of time off, and at some point I will have a career where I can help others, make a good paycheck, and hopefully be a good role model to my children.  See, that's what some sunshine and a rare run does for my mood, it brightens it and puts it into perspective.  While I am strapped into this ride and sometimes hate every minute, its hard to know if any other path would have been much different.  So on we go.  Grateful that one biochem exam is past (though still dreading getting me score), dreading the cumulative biochem exam in a few weeks but also looking forward to spring break and a while week with DLO.  We can do this!!!! Right?