The day the surgical dream died: as I write this, all my stickies are filled with lists of family friendly Vasc surgery programs, names of female surgeons who have kids, the "to-do" lists I need to complete for a surgical residency. My 4th schedule is set all around the perfect Vasc Surgery experience: an IAI in Madison, 2w in Marshfield w Dr. Weiss, AAI in MQA in surgery, cardiovascular, radiology..all rotations meant to just nail a surgical residency application, interview, and match.

But today I decided that maybe my life (and my family's life) will not be about my career...after so much sacrifice and focus on it to this point, it seems a weird place to make space in my future life for things outside of medicine. But I think thats a healthy switch. I think I would have turned into an even more uptight, overly focused, super serious, rigid perfectionist. Those traits are there within me just waiting to get cultured and fed. The traits of spontaneous fun and relaxedness, and altruism and outside focus are there too also just waiting to get fed. I feel like picking EM gives room for those traits to be nurtured, for me to have time to focus on outside hobbies and on my family, gives us room for the dreams we have to be more easy to expand on (like more babies, more travel, more creativity, more fun). It is a hard switch. I sometimes don't feel like my personality fits EM, they sometimes feel like a group tahts a little too lax, tries to have a little too much fun, takes a few too many chances. Sometimes I like order, i like answers and resolution, I like predictability. But I know from experience that I can thrive in an ED too, that I sometimes revel in the adrenaline rush and quick making of deep relationships, trying to make order form chaos. Maybe its a good thin to get back to those things than the cold austere personality of the OR. It is a difficult choice to let the dream die. I really love the OR, I loved the idea of being a badass surgical mom. But you know what I love even more, the idea of not being on call, the idea of being able to put my kids and husband first, the idea of having boring days off of work where i need to find things to keep me busy. Being a doctor on the side on not having it be the forefront of my identity. Being able to have another baby in residency without such fear that that idea provoked when I transposed it against a surgical residency. Being done in THREE years and getting to reclaim those extra years from my kids and husbands lives..the kids and husband who have so patiently gone through this journey thus far. Be done 2 years earlier, 2 less years of memory of this experience for our kids..and only the memories of a mommy home and available, able to get to PTA meetings and stay home for sick day snuggles. Yes, maybe this isn't that hard of a choice, maybe a future where I can nurture my kids until they fly the nest then nurture our ideals of adventure with Kyle without always having that worklife like a chain around my neck. Maybe I can always remember fondly that I could have probably been an awesome surgery but I walked away from that temptress, that affair, that siren call and we all lived so much happily after. That is maybe what I pick today. Maybe today is the best day of our lives.