Where's the thrill?

I wanted to write something lyrical and beautiful and fun to read.  I was reading the most wonderful blog that felt like reading poetry, the kind of blog that is a rare beast and most certainly not found in my own musings.  The kind of blog that makes you wish the author would pen hundreds of novels so on that rare vacation when you can read a book you are swept away and feel the soul healing sensation of a book that transports you and nurtures you and heals you.  I cannot actually tell you what kind of book or what subject these novels are, but I know they exist because I have read such books that make me tear up for their wonderfulness but also tear up when I finish them.  They are the books that I immediately go to Amazon and purchase so that in the even rarer case I have time to re-read a novel, they are waiting there like an old friend ready to welcome me back into their embrace.  Ah, the memories of childhood where there was so much time to sink into and get utterly lost in such books.  Now time is so precious that I get frustrated by the lack of quality books because lord help the author who wastes my precious time with inferior writing!  But I digress.  I have always wanted to write like that.  When I read something like that I am re-inspired to write anything, a love letter to my DH, the next great American novel, a fantastic blog post.  And so I try.  And then I realize that I fall more into the "inferior material" kind of author and I am sad.
That's how I feel about all my recent posts.  The one issue with medical school applications (and reapplications) is that it is YEARS worth of chasing after a singular dream. So all the fears and nerves and concerns just cycle back over and over.  Nothing is new, nothing changes, nothing is resolved because no forward movement has been made.  Now we are down to my last month before I am officially a M1.  I still worry about money, about having more children, about time to spend with my children and DH, about commuting to medical school, about passing medical school, about being a great doctor while most importantly being a great mother, about my marriage making it through the stress of medical school and all the challenges it brings.  See, inferior material.  Really I should just make every post about DD because even in noone else finds it soul-enriching, I most certainly do.  A more lucky mother you cannot find.  And that brings us full circle: I feel no thrill over starting medical school because I fear the challenges will most affect my child (and children to come) and this theme is all I can bring myself to blog about because it is all that is on my mind.

The 10-month dilemna

They warn you about how hard newborns are and you get everyone's sympathy about how terrible you look, how tired you are, and how you have food in your hair and mushed into your shirt until your baby is about 6 months old.  Then people expect that the baby and you have gotten your shit all figured out.  At least that is the way it feels and thus why I feel so much desperation as my beautiful bouncing inquisitive stubborn 10-month makes me feel each day like a less and less competent mother.  I really think it all stems to the sleep deprivation, one cannot do anything properly after 10 MONTHS of no-sleep.  You think I exxaggerate?  I don't.  When she was a baby, we thought 2-3 times a night was a lot.  NOW, the standard is 4 times a night.  I really wish I was kidding.  That whole 10-month regression thing plus the fact that she never slept well is really killing us.  It's really starting to mess me up physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I feel like I can't get anything done anymore because I am too exhausted to kick into gear in the precious moments I have to get stuff done.  My exhausted state makes it very easy to make unhealthy eating decisions and makes it hard to have the motivation to get out and exercise.  I feel like I look like a Zombie, I probably am shorter tempered with DH.  Pretty much I thought things would get easier as she got older but I find it much much harder.  Probably because on top of it all, she's like a week or 2 from walking but all she wants to do is be walked around over and over.  And if you carry her, she's not a light baby anymore.  Boy, do I sound like a whiner? I'm just SO tired and getting SO depressed.  And start medical school in 5 weeks so something has to change asap....or I might really start enjoying those nights away from home a little too much. :(

Battle O' Wills: Not Winning

DLO is getting SO big and has 6!!! teeth to show for it!  And did I mention I bf?  Anyone experiencing Jaws-like anxiety for me yet?  DLO is a super bright, super inquisitive, and super stubborn (yup, those would be my genes) little girl.  Take that stubbornness and apply it to bf + teeth and my worst case scenario is a reality.  I imagine DLO's mouth hurts terribly, 4 of the said 6 teeth all came in within a week but her interest in nibbling on mommy has gotten really old really quickly.  I've tried all the different techniques to stopping said behavior to no avail.  Yesterday in fact she went on a hunger strike.  I wanted her to eat cause I was uncomfortable (and of course away from home with no pump) and she bit every time we tried.  And in just one day of no feeding my milk supply took a big hit.  So now, she's teething, hungry, and my milk is coming in slow/less = more biting.  I'm thinking that we may be done bf'ing and I'm pretty sad.  I have really enjoyed the bonding most especially valuing it after we had some bumps early on.  I didn't expect it to potentially end so abruptly!  So here we are, damned if we do, damned if we don't.  In this contest, I am most definitely the loser...either I get bit or we wean and neither option I like.  So cross your fingers that she figures out really really soon that biting mommy is not really just not nice.

Parenting Equality

I was always the girl growing up who was determined that IF I did ever get married (and that was low on the priority list) that my marriage would be one of full equality.  Housework, breadwinning, child-rearing would all be a 50/50 split.  Fast-forward many years, a wonderful DH and our first DLO and things are not quite like I had "planned."  Don't get me wrong, DH is really as wonderful as wonderful can be, he cooks and cleans like a pro.  He took just as much paternity time off as I took maternity time.  But as our DLO has gotten older, her care has fallen more and more primarily on my shoulders and mostly my fault.  The problem is, I suffer from that terrible and unproductive "mommy guilt."  I am a working mother and thus feel like I am a terrible mother.  My own mother (and grandmother) were SAHM's so do little to assuage this guilt.  So when I rush home from work I dedicate every minute to my daughter.  Almost none to DH and most certainly not to myself.  I pat myself on the back when she prefers me, I revel in dinner time and bath time and tell myself that the gabillion times she wakes up at night just is extra time for me to make up for the time I am at work.  But as she nears her first birthday, several things are happening....1) I am SO worn out.  She is not a good sleeper.  Plus by devoting every non-working minute to her care means I feel tired and yucky and worn down.  2) My relationship with the wonderful DH has definitely taken a hit.  How could it not?  Our dating, courting, and fun together as a married couple has always revolved around bicycles.  Bike racing, long bike rides, hanging out and riding bikes with other "bike" people.  We both really stopped doing the bike thing but again as she nears her first birthday, DH is getting back in the swing of things but I feel like if I take the time to go on those bike rides, I am taking that time away from the little I have to spend with DLO.  I think we've gone on one date (we weren't huge "date" people to begin with) since she was born and even then I was torn by guilt being away and made DH feel bad about it too. 3) I am going to medical school this fall.  This has been a major source of distress in my life.  I will be commuting to a school 3hrs away because its only for 3 semesters (all clinical rotations are local) and it was silly to make DH quit his job for such a short period of time and our daycare is the greatest thing in the world and wasn't worth losing/leaving.  But that means I'll likely have to spend a few nights away from home.  Mother guilt, rear your ugly head. One of the things we're attempting is "easing" DLO from her mommy-only evening/night routine to a daddy involved one.  SO last night he tried to feed her dinner.  First I was super stressed, he really didn't have an idea of the consistency food had to be at this stage or what foods were best to give her; he didn't know the right amount or which ones to feed her and which ones to let her self-feed.  I was also devastated to lose my bonding time with her; her meal-time and bath-time are ways I can feel that I am providing for her as her mommy even when I work during the day.  So there I was, wanting parental equality, needing parental equality but devastated (actually crying) over losing the special moments with my daughter that I have always cherished.  In the end, I went in and "helped" aka took over because DH hates it when I micromanage and when I'm sad.  I really need to get over the mommy guilt and relish each moment I do have with DLO knowing that I will always be her mommy and she will love me just as much whether I am a working mommy or a SAHM; easy to say, hard to do.

Piggies

Yup, on top of all the rest of the craziness in our lives, we decided to get piggies (what we call them to DLO).  We actually got some really nice Large Black pigs and are in the process of acquiring some Tamworths and actually breeding a few of them next winter.  We've done crazy things like build a "piggy house," made wallows, hauled loads of food (whoever said they eat 3-5% of their body weight is a liar...they eat more like 30-50% of their bw!) and water and generally just carry on as pig farmers.  That's on top of the big garden, 17 laying chickens, and our aspirations of a few dairy and beef cows.  I'm trying to remind myself, I will be a full-time, commuting medical student mommy in a few months but part of living way "up north" is enjoying getting to do things like be piggy farmers.  Pictures to follow....

Fear of the Fall....

At this point, the point of no return on my decision-making process has arrived.  Work won't really let me change my mind since they need to hire someone to replace me and without a job, I really have nothing better to do than go to medical school.  But everynight as I lay there trying to get back to sleep after another cuddle session with DLO, I try to calm the panic attacks that tell me "you're making the wrong decision!"  I am giving up a very good job and going back to school in a city 3 hours away from my family.  While you do not have to be present for every part of medical school, there will still be nights I will be away from my family.  I'm not sure I'm ready for that.  I'm not sure I can handle that.  I struggle with wondering how much it will impact DLO or if its just me that it will worry.  DH is amazing with her and I'm sure they will be just fine but I NEVER had plans to be an absent mother (ok, it's only for the occasional night or two a week...but still) and despite ALL of the reasons on why this decision is good for our family, the "in-the-moment" emotions of it tell me it might be one big terrible mistake.
I hope I look back and read this in several years to find I've over-reacted and everything went swimmingly but as a rather Type-A personality (shock, I know!) I can't plan or control or even foresee the impact this decision will have.  Frankly I'm just scared.  So here we go...

In as Long as Out

This weekend was BG's 9-month birthday.  It's crazy to think that she's now been in the world as long as she was in utero.  Seems like a big right of passage for her mama and really highlights just how long you are pregnant!  It also really mirrors the rapid growth during pregnancy.  Looking back at her birth and then monthly pictures it is stunning to see the rapid growth and development.  I'm not usually the sappy type but as I fed her yesterday, she was insistent that she wanted to drink water out of a glass like her mommy.  She still hasn't mastered drinking out of a cup because she still leaves her tongue on the outside but she would hand me the glass so she could watch me drink and then try it again herself.  Just a times back and forth and she figured out (with no prompting) that she had to pull her tongue in. It was a small moment but so stunning to me how intelligent she is and how quickly she is growing up. She's so damn determined to figure things out and picks things up so fast.  I love every minute with her and am so fortunate to have some extra vacation and days home with her before I head back to the classroom myself that I am trying to savor every minute.  Seems funny but I'm sure she'll be 9 and then 19 in the blink of an eye.  And that makes her mommy very very sad.  All I can say, I thought being a parent would be great but I had no comprehension on the joy that a child brings into one's life.  There is no doubt a lot of work involved but every minute is repaid a million times in the brightness they bring.