TTC #2

Much like the first time around, there is much anxiety about the "right" time to have # 2.  But as my medical school courses have hammered home, those eggs start aging pretty quickly as you slide towards 40, chromosomal abnormalities and mutation rates increase pretty dramatically and things like premature ovarian failure are not uncommon.  Its really amazing when you study things like embryology, fertility, and reproduction things hit home a little more when you can apply them to oneself.  I had nightmares for a month about dead babies as we learned as I unkindly called it "the hundreds of flavors of dead babies." I had to be calvalier about it as each image of someone's child who died either in utero or shortly post-natally was held up as an example of a disease/disorder/mutation that we were learning.  All I could do was think of the grief-striken parents and imagine myself in their shoes.  Thus the weeks of terrible nightmares.  But I digress (maybe)? So here we are, anxious to get baby #2 in the works, at a happy place in life were DLO #1 is in a good place for a sibling, though honestly in probably a terrible position in my training (though honestly over the next ~10yrs there isn't an awesome time but if I waited I'd be out of luck). DH is pretty excited for round 2 which I find amazingly adorable because its not like our lives are that easy right now and his enthusiasm for adding more chaos is to me a sign of his love. So now we're back in that terrible place (for me) of TTC, where I curse my body every cycle for failing us.  Where I watch every sign and twinge and drop of blood for signs of fertility.  Its too consuming. Its too exhausting. I envy the ladies with the fertile bodies that reproduce with ease.  I'm tired of the rollercoaster of thinking I "might be" pregnant only to be severely disappointed a few days/weeks later.  Case in point, I've finally had my cycle back regularly (which for me is odd so maybe that's issue #1), I've been tracking every sign like crazy, marking every time we "do it," and use all the various calculators to figure out the prime fertility window.  DH has his own plan and has just been making sure to "do it" at least every other night which is nice but is also slightly exhausting and probably unsustainable if this takes us a while.  Two days ago I got light spotting, it fit exactly with when (if I had nailed our fertility window) we'd have implantation! My joy bounded, the issues it will cause with my training didn't matter.  I started daydreaming about scheduling and announcing it adorably to DH after a positive pregnancy test and what our lives would look like early next year.  But then today, with heavier cramps and some more bleeding I can only assume damn ole Aunt Flo is on the way. And I'm sad again for all the effort and energy and high hopes and the months and years ahead of going through it over and over again.  I'm tired and we've only been trying for a few months. Maybe I'm just tired.  Three weeks left of the semester and a slightly needy (read up a lot at night) though independently inclined and stubborn (read, won't do anything without a fight) toddler who has recently made me feel like the "mean mom" has kind of worn me out.  Here's to summer and easy? TTC and all the rest of it.  Oh yeah, and passing the year?  Probably better get back to studying to ensure I won't be repeating anything...that of all my worries, is always the biggest one of all!  SO easy in med school to make one small slip.