As recently as June 3, I have an angry blog post sitting in my "draft" box venting over all the people who seemed to not even want or care about the babies they had while I just kept turning up negative despite wanting a child so much.
Which brings us to last Friday morning, at 4a, I slipped out of bed to throw on my scrubs and head to the hospital. I was finishing a week of general surgery and loving every minute of it. I loved the pace, the no nonsense, the more sure solutions to problems, the precision and skill required. I loved the early mornings and felt so motivated and in syn even when I got reamed for doing things like accidently cutting a stitch (instead of just the tail) or forgetting a certain anatomical landmark. After a tough week with long days devoid of food, water, and bathroom breaks I have no idea what caused me to reach for a pregnancy test. I sleepily glanced down at it as I was brushing my teeth and froze. These were those super cheap tests from Amazon so it lacked the precise +/- that gives you rapid answers one way or another. This one was either one or two lines. As I looked at it again, my still sleeping brain tried to rapidly remember which one meant which. Did two lines mean pregnant?!??! or not? I had to pull out the box and look at the directions several times. And then sat there frozen again, holy shit. I took another test, tried again. Same result. How can someone with a PhD have such a hard time remembering how many lines mean what?! Perhaps this explains why I hated western blots. But at long last I decoded the riddle: I am PREGNANT!!!! And to say I am shocked yet so truly excited would be an understatement. I have had absolutely zero symptoms. I've been focused and on top of my game and filled with insane amounts of energy. I felt cutthroat and rock solid, no roller coaster of emotions, no tears, no mean streak (like first time around) Granted I crash pretty hard when I get home from work but that's to be expected after 4a starts and hanging with DLO from the minute I'm done with surgery til bed. I debated rushing to tell DH right away but figured it was a great day to whip it into a surprise. I had a shorter clinic day so would have a little time to do something fun. I walked around on cloud nine all day. The only thing I worried about was how long I'd been pregnant...I had gone nuts taking so many pregnancy tests that I had decided to veto them until my boobs hurt (which had been my big tell with DLO#1). So I had gone on and on and done things like not eaten well during surgery, poor sleep, a couple sips of alcohol the weekend before with DH (luckily nothing more than that!) and tons of coffee. All things I had religiously avoided even during TTC with #1. After clinic, I ran to the store, bought a cute little dinosaur onesie (DLO #1 favorite right now) and a white t-shirt that I decorate "#1 Big Sib" for DLO. But here I am, crazily in love with the idea of DLO#2, worried I messed up DLO#2 by not even knowing I was pregnant, knowing I'm crazy for planning to have a baby during clinical rotations, and yet still so happy. Here we go, dating ultrasound in a week (2.5weeks after positive test) so I'll be able to feel more assured about viability and start making some plans. Wooohoooo!
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